Monday, February 11, 2008

About Last Night...

I strapped myself into my heels and faced the mirror. Lookin' pretty good in the clingy black dress.

I turned to the right; sucked in my stomach. Turned to the left. Hmmm...

Back to the right. What the?

To the left. Ohmygosh, how did I fail to notice this before?!

To the right again. There was no questioning it...

I swept my hand along my butt. Damn. My right cheek stuck out at least a half inch further than my left. I had a lopsided gluteus maximus and I was wearing a tight dress that completely maximized it. How could I have made it almost 32 years without ever noticing this colossal flaw?! Surely I was going to ruin Mr. Wonderful's rep a the Visual Effects Awards. He would hitherto be known as the guy with the Crooked-Fat-Ass-Date. The Lifetime Achievement Award winner himself (Steven Spielberg) was probably going to tell Mr. W that he should buy me a pair of half-padded underwear for future events.

The Kodak Ballroom was a sea of black, punctuated by a few colorful outliers. I blended in well, hoping between sips of Cabernet that my cheek remained concealed among the masses of hoity-toities and glorified computer geeks. As they kissed one another and sipped their cocktails, I quietly observed. A lot of the suits looked expensive. Some of the women were wearing exorbitant amounts of makeup. But for the most part, they were just regular people. How hugely refreshing.

At one point, I saw a woman talking to Steven (yes, Spielberg) and she was wearing a dress from Banana Republic that I own!

I realized then that it didn't matter what my toosh looked like. These Hollywoods—despite their connections with The Business—were just ordinary human beings like the rest of us. Sure, they'd done some really cool stuff and made a whole lot of money, but they were still people. With flaws, just like me. (That said, I had to refrain from touching Michael Bay with my pinkie when he stopped by our table. They may just be people, but they're still famous...)

Oh, and for the record, Mr. Wonderful looked hot. Not just because he cleans up fantastically and does extreme justice to a black suit, but because I knew that he bought his shirt and tie at Nordstrom Rack instead of Neiman Marcus or Armani. Nothing sexier than a bargain shopper...

Other exciting sightings from the evening:
Patton Oswald
Megan Fox
Dennis Muren
Gore Verbinski

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So don't worry about flaws! Someday, one boob will be lower than the other too, like mine!
I am sure you looked beautiful.
You don't mention what Mr. W. thought of you!