Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Bar Slop

I guess if you go out on a night like St. Patrick’s, you have to anticipate the possibility of being surrounded by a very sloppy crowd. Any holiday that centers around alcohol consumption is sure to include some sights you don’t really want to see…sixty-year-olds in painfully low-cut tops that read “kiss me I’m Irish,” public urination and vomiting, and my favorite—inappropriate displays of affection by people who just met.

Last night, I found myself in the sweaty bowels of an Irish pub, drinking green Guinness and listening to a somewhat off-key cover band. It was all good fun, until I turned to say something to Mr. Wonderful and saw a late thirties lady licking a guy’s neck from shirt collar to earlobe. As my girlfriend said, it deserved a silent scream a la Danny in The Shining.

Moments before, the woman had been drinking and dancing with her girlfriends. Apparently, it didn’t take long for her and her new boyfriend to fall head over heels for one another and immediately start trying to consummate their relationship through their clothing. Faces were quickly being devoured and buttocks spanked.

My group of friends took turns narrating what was happening and shuffling our standing places so we could all witness the makeout carnage. It was so so bad. And not just because she was wearing high-waisted jeans. Even if the couple had been attractive, I wouldn’t have wanted to watch that action in public. Okay, maybe in the privacy of my own home with a glass of wine, but not in the middle of a pub, pressed up against a grimy barstool.

Acting like that might (read: might) have been somewhat acceptable when we were 18, in Mexico on our graduation trip, swapping spit with co-eds in rum-soaked t-shirts and dirty flip flops. But it is not okay now.

15 comments:

semichrmd said...

UGH! I couldn't agree more.
Please leave that kind of behavior for the bedroom, drunk or not it's never ok out in public! In situations like this I can't help but feeling..dare I say - OLD. Maybe 10 years ago I wouldn't have given them second glance, today it nauseates me. Hope you had a great St Patty's Day - green beer and all!

Laura said...

Oh come on....there is NOTHING more entertaining than bar slop. Just ask Danny, he's had to pick up his bar slop wife and her girlfriends on many occasions, and he thinks we're hilarious!

Danny said...

How do you think Laura and I met???

Mel Heth said...

Now I didn't say there was anything wrong with getting wasted and drunk dialing your second-cousin...but Laura I'm pretty sure you're not wearing high-waisted jeans during your hijinks!

Anonymous said...

Are you sure it wasn't Florence from down the street!

Lara said...

Although hanging w/ you is always a treat, the bar slop was definitely the most entertaining part of the night. It made me temporarily blind and I threw up a little in my mouth, but I couldn't look away. I think the butt slap was the best part! Aaaahhh! I just had a flashback!

Big Sister said...

Can just hold the comments on the high wasted jeans? There is nothing wrong with them.

PoopyPants said...

When I read the "high waisted jeans" I did think of big sister. Not really because she wears them because she always looks cute in her jeans. I guess I'm not sure why she came to mind ;) Do they even sell high waisted anymore? When I think of high waisted jeans now, that means that only the top of the butt crack is showing instead of the whole thing.

Mel Heth said...

Hahaha! Maybe we should bring high waisters back so we don't have to see so much public crack display. The problem is that they make your butt cheeks look like they're about 2 feet long.

Check out this hilarious SNL spoof of "Mom Jeans"...
http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/pages/mom-jeans.html

Big Sister said...

My personal favorite jeans are called "Not Your Daughter's Jeans" (and they're not cheap, by the way) because my middle aged crack is not on display for all the world to see, AND there is a built in tummy control panel to hold in that unruly mid drift of mine. I saw the SNL spoof, and that is me!!! Mom Jeans Rule!

pam said...

I have 2 new pairs for the cruise!

Laura said...

Unruly midrift...Aunt Mary, is that You???? Shelly, you are aging yourself!!

You'll be glad to see that Pam made her first comment, but I had to walk her through the whole thing. And yes, she did buy high-waisted jeans...I hope they don't make her butt look 2 feet long, because she only 5 feet tall!!

Mr. Wonderful, if you're reading this, I can't imagine the visual you have of Pam now.

Anonymous said...

Ok, enough about high waisted jeans. From the voice of experience, no one wants to see my giant crack creaping out; the answer: BIG MAMA UNDERWEAR beneath them!

Mel Heth said...

I'm seeing a family jeans/underwear shopping trip in the near future...

PoopyPants said...

You can do a "What Not To Wear - Jeans and Underwear Version". I don't think you will have to visit me...although I do have a gut overhanging my jeans. How long does the baby excuse work??