Monday, April 28, 2008

Romantimortification

I debated back and forth whether to write this post, and after carefully considering what it would feel like to put an extremely embarrassing moment out there in front of strangers, coworkers and high school friends, I realized a very important point: this has to happen to everyone.

I do not know how a moment like this can be avoided. Maybe I’m just telling myself that so I don’t feel alone. But it seems to me that every person, at some point in a romantic relationship, will have to jump this hurdle. And maybe for some of you, it might happen like this…

You are away for your second weekend with the guy of your dreams. You’ve spent the entire day drinking wine and acting schmoopy with each other. And you’re laying on the hotel bed, watching the Discovery Channel, resting before you leave for dinner. It’s all fantastic. But you’re feeling a little bloated. So you go to the bathroom. And you think, hmm he’s occupied with the TV, maybe I can very quietly and nonchalantly take care of business without him even noticing I’m gone. Sneaky poo, you might call it. Like the Stealth Bomber, you get in, you get out, you reach for a book of matches in your toiletry bag on the sink, light one, blow it out and turn to throw it in the trash. And when you turn back, he’s standing behind you, rifling through his toiletry bag. You feel your eyes turn saucer-sized at the sight of him. You’ve been caught.

“Did you just stink up the bathroom?” he grins. You whimper out an answer that sounds like “yesh” mixed with “waaaaaa.” All you can do is scamper past him and throw yourself, mortified—more like rigor mortisified because you fall so stiffly forward—onto the bed and bury your face in the pillows. Like a cat, hiding halfway under the couch, you think if you can’t see him, he can’t see you and it’ll all just go away.

But you hear him laughing, “Woo, yeah you did!” And although you try hard to camouflage your face-down, stiff as a board self into the color of the bedspread, he finds you and starts telling you it’s okay. And you can’t help yourself anymore, you start to laugh. And he laughs and he kisses you on the cheek. And then you realize that this probably isn’t any worse than the time you accidentally farted on his leg in your sleep...

13 comments:

Diz said...

OH MY GOD! I'm crying right now with laughter. It's about time you get that over with. He is truly Mr. Wonderful....very well handled.

Big Sister said...

It could have been worse - what if you tried to hold it in, to prevent the embarrassment, and then you pooped on his leg in your sleep? As you get older, these kinds of things can happen.

brookem said...

hahahaha! hey, when you get to that point and you can feel (almost) comfortable doing it, then you know you're comfy with him. sounds to me like mr. wonderful is a keeper!

semichrmd said...

That's a huge step in a relationship, kinda like meeting the parents only more personal & pretty darn embarassing. Mr Wonderful sounds pretty great, I say pretty soon you guys will be high fiving each other as to whose a** smells worse. Not like I'm speaking from experience or anything :)

Michael C said...

Too classic.

Awkward hurdle jumped? Check!!

Anonymous said...

Once again.....TMI!!!! Perhaps you may need to pack room deodarizer in your "toiletry bag" next time.
He is a good sport, and this is just another test passed!

Anita said...

Me and mine have codenames and talk about our biznezz all the time. That's why I love him so. :) Yay for Mr. W for also taking it in stride.

Jane Moneypenny said...

That's priceless. That's when you know the relationship is for real!

Mel Heth said...

Diz - I wanted to cry a little too!

Sister - Way to take it to the next level, sicko.

Brookem - I'm hoping we're on the road to "comfortable"...but it seems a few more blushing faces away. :)

Semi - Um, does it get any more awesome than high fiving over who is smellier? No, no I don't think it does. That is geat - I respect you and The H more than ever. :P

Michael C - So nice to have a man's perspective. :)

AMOMymous - You raised me! My TMI tendencies are genetic.

Anita - I think you need to write a blog about those codenames. That is fantastic!

Jane - Yeah I'm sure we'll look back on this and laugh even more than we already have. Hope you're having fun in NY!

geekhiker said...

Heh heh, it's a match made in heaven... a slightly smelly heaven, but still... ;)

Lara said...

I'm glad that's done with. Now I don't have to bring up pooping in front of Mr. Wonderful in order to get you to admit that you both do it.

Despite getting 'sick' on my first date with my husband, he still didn't admit that I pooped until about 2 years into our marriage...despite my attempts to convince him otherwise :) I know, gross, TMI, whatever...poop is the great equalizer and I love talking about it :)

Mel Heth said...

GH - I'd rather have smelly heaven than no heaven at all. :P

Lara - Poor B now knows the horror that is your body. I'm sure he wishes he could go back to those early days...

Alysha said...

Can I just tell you that you are wonderful? That's really all I have to say about this one.