Wednesday, July 23, 2008

And Now: My Most Embarrassing Story

I didn’t get asked to the prom. My best friend and I were both left dateless in the dust, and had to resort to inviting guy friends from the grade below us. It was slightly humiliating, but better than missing the biggest event of our high school careers.

My mom handmade my dress, which at the time was exactly what I wanted—forest green velvet, fitted and long, with a heart-shaped bust and spaghetti straps, and a big ‘ole slit up the front. It matched nicely with my other friends’ long, navy blue, crimson and various other velvet ensembles. It was the grunge era…apparently heavy fabric in May was cool and cutting edge…

Dinner and the dance itself were relatively fun. I remember taking and posing for a lot of pictures and having a decent time with my date. I didn't get food in my teeth or spit when I was talking to him. Although, I think he wanted to hang out with some of the younger attendees more than he wanted to be with me.

Afterwards, a big group of us went to “Prom Plus.” When I was a freshman, a local girl was shot in a hotel after the prom. This rocked our town and prevented a lot of our parents from letting us go out into the great, wide open after the dance. Thus, the PTA or some other concerned group put together an after-prom party with karaoke, a casino, sumo wrestling, a Velcro wall and all sorts of other activities that didn’t involve guns, drugs or sex.

At 6:00 a.m. my group left Prom Plus and headed over to a friend's house to crash out for a few hours before going home. There were about 12 or 14 of us spread across various pieces of furniture and splayed out on the floor. I was wedged between my best friend and a guy named J, sharing a blanket, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. I could hear my friends A and D talking and laughing in the other room and decided it would be much more fun to go goof off with them than continue trying to will myself into slumber.

So I sat up.

And the force of moving from my back to an upright position caused a catastrophic shift in my body. One that made a noise. A noise that escaped somewhere between my knees and my waist, on the backside. Suddenly, the entire room was awake.

“WHO was that?!”

I couldn’t speak. I was rapt in silent, horrified, mortified laughter and profuse full-body blushing. My shoulders shook, tears collected at the corners of my eyes.

“IT WAS MELISSA!” my best friend screamed, surely to clear herself of any possible blame.

“That was like an alarm clock, you woke us all up!”

“Damn, what’d you eat?!”

Boys were saying this stuff. I was in a room with a bunch of guys, including my poor younger date. And they had just heard the sound I had produced...in a silent room.

When I was finally able to breathe, I explained, “I didn’t mean to, I just sat up…and I don’t know what happened.”

The laughter and ridicule eventually died down and after a couple more hours we all left to go home. When I opened the front door of my parents’ house, my mom was waiting.

“Well, how was the prom?” she said, smiling with that knowing, motherly pride.

“I farted.”

All class and feminine charm, I am. Yes folks, I will forever get to remember the pinnacle evening of my teenage years as being punctuated with a very poorly-timed toot.

That night, all of us who had attended prom together met up to see Beverly Hills Cop 3. We were getting ready to leave when my friend said, “I need to get gas in my car.”

And as expected, one of the guys chimed in, “No you don’t—Melissa has plenty to spare.”

And now you know everything there is to know about me.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh for the memories of life! I hope Mr. W doesn't read this! I am glad it doesn't run in the family!

Hannah said...

Oh you poor thing. But that is a very very funny story. It had me laughing. But not at you. Laughing with you. You tell the best stories.

P.S.
So how was the movie? Did you like it?

geekhiker said...

Now the competitive side of me has the urge to post a story to top that one. And I'm fairly sure I've got two or three... ;)

laura said...

hilarious.

Mel Heth said...

Mom - Any gas I have ever had in my intestinal tract is a direct result of inheriting your and Grandma P's chromosomal makeup.

Hannah - The best part of the story is all the people who were there - pretty much the same crowd you and I run with now. Even my date! Thankfully I think most people have wiped the incident from memory.

Geekhiker - Oooh it is SO on! I can top this one, too, I think. Just not sure I'm ready to post those stories to the world!!!

Laura - Had you heard this one before? It's a favorite among the siblings...

Dingo said...

When I was finally able to breathe...

I have to ask, was that from the fart or the embarrassment?

poopypants said...

It doesn't matter how many times I hear this story...it still makes me laugh out loud :) Thanks for cheering up a rather stressful day for me. xoxoxo

Although...I think I still have you beat ;)

Big Sister said...

Poopypants does have you beat...and there is definitley a gene in the family. I've produced at least one offspring who possesses it.

Mandy said...

This is gorgeous.

Thank you for sharing. I laughed. HARD.

Jill said...

Very funny, thank you.
Once in 7th grade- a group of friends and I were walking past a field near our neighborhood and someone pointed out a used condom on the grass. Of course, we all had to bend over the fence to look at it and when I bent over- you guessed it. I still blush from the memory. :-)

brandy said...

Ohhh this was hilarious! You poor girl. I'm glad you shared this story.

Diz said...

Do you know how badly I still wish that I was there that night?!? I appreciate the nod to my navy blue dress too, thanks! xoxoxo

Mel Heth said...

Dingo - C'mon, you know I smell like roses. It was from the laughing.

Poopypants - You have me beat in several categories, however I'm not sure "Fart Embarrassment" is actually one of them.

Sister - Your littlest fartbag could win a gold medal for The Most Bass in a Butt competition.

Mandy - Gorgeous? Ha you crack me up!

Jill - Hilarious! Thanks for sharing. Too bad there wasn't something grazing in the field you could've blamed it on!

Brandy - This story may be one of my greatest claims to fame. :P

Diz - You were there in spirit - and I think you got to enjoy some of the continued ridicule the next week at school!

Lara said...

It never gets old :)

The Coconut Diaries said...

There are WAY worse things to be remembered for. I dare you to go to the reunion in a cape with an SF on the back!

Sizzle said...

Hysterical!

I mean at the time, mortifying but after the fact, priceless!

Amy Turpin said...

If it is any consolation, I was there, and I don't remember that part. I just remember all the fun we had. Oh, and on the date topic, at least you didn't get traded for another date - oh wait, that was me. :)

Wow, that was awkward said...

Wait a minute! Girls fart?

This story is HILARIOUS. You have solidified your rock star standing!!

semichrmd said...

hahahaha!!!! I couldn't stop laughing. I love a good fart story, and seriously how mortifying that at your prom? How does one's teenage self ever live that down? You are hysterical!