Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The Keys to the Kingdom

Wow! Do I have some big shoes to fill here for a few days. Well, actually we do wear the same size shoe even though she does have a good 3 inches on my height. All 3 of those inches are in her legs, so that pisses me off, and her tiny little butt could fit onto one of my cheeks. She may have gotten the leg/butt gene in the family, but at least she didn't hog the boob gene too. We don't look that much alike, but people can tell we're sisters. Mostly by the matching voices. That can be fun on the phone. She doesn't like to admit it, but we do have some telepathic brain thing going on, that causes us to do things like buy matching electric mixers for bridal showers.

Now let's talk about that for a minute. Big Whoop - so I forgot to turn in that stupid registry paper at the Target check out line. I did remember to get a gift receipt. It's the bride who has stand in the return line - not my sister!!! I'd like to see if she remembers to turn in her paper someday, when she has 2 bickering children in line with her. I tried to call Target's Guest Services to see if they could remove the purchased registry item over the phone. I don't know why they call it that, because frankly there is no service offered. I guess that's why some people choose to shop at Nordstrom. Whatever...

So, the day of the shower, my dear little sis is in a scary mood because her hair would not cooperate. It's her own darn fault, because she didn't shower that morning. She was at the fabulous Mr. W's house, and probably had other things more important on her morning schedule.... I thought she should have been in a much better mood considering he had just used the "L word" the night before. No bad hair day or twin mixers should have ruffled her with that little joy cloud floating over her, one would think.

So, she goes to gather her gift, and mentions something about an electric mixer, and I noticed that the size of her wrapped gift looked slightly familiar. I uttered a subdued little "Uh Oh", and she growled over at me, "Shut up. No you did not get her an electric mixer." Then I had to confess that I had committed the cardinal sin of not turning in my registry paper. You would have thought that I had goosed Mr. Wonderful by her reaction! She called me a jackass, and embellished with an F adjective too! She just encouraged me to enjoy this all the more, so I made sure to sit our matching packages right next to each other at the shower, to emphasize their sameness. I complimented her on her impeccable taste in kitchen ware. I even threw in a "Wonder Twin powers activate - take on the shape of an electric mixer" comment just for good measure. She did crack a smile at that one.

She avoided me for most of the shower, which was fine with me. That is until, the saving event of the day occurred - our accident prone mother. She is just coming off a broken foot from a collision with a pool skimmer at the Indian Gaming Casino, and a broken, sliced open nose from a misinterpreted curb, so we thought she had met her quota for the summer already. Instead, we noticed that our mom had been missing for a while at this very elegant shower, in a posh neighborhood overlooking the Rose Bowl. Someone said she was in the master bedroom, and a few of us thought that would be a nice opportunity for a little tour of this beautiful home. What we didn't quite expect was that our mother had inadvertently locked herself in the master bathroom, and couldn't get out. That would explain her absence. When we entered the room, someone said, "Your mom is locked in the bathroom." "Of course she is," I blurted out. If someone was to get locked in, it would be our mom. The door was some fancy schmancy pocket door with a complicated latch, and we all took turns giving her advice and trying strategies from the outside. She mentioned there was a phone in there, and we thought it might be nice if she called the fire department herself. She also noted that there was toilet paper in there if she needed to write us notes. A. We could hear her through the door just fine. B. She had a phone - she could call us on our cell phones. C. Did she have a pen in her underwear? Don't ask me how, but after a few phone calls, and all of us taking turns yanking the door, the bride pushed her way through the crowd, did some special little tweak, and out popped our mom.

Thank God for Mom, because now my sister was so irritated with our mom, that she forgot all about the twin mixers!! I was off the hook, and the day ended happily ever after. The bride and groom can mix together if they so choose, my sister is over her mixer snit, and our mom will never lock another pocket door as long as she lives. Never a dull moment in our family.


Anonymous said...

Your mom sounds like a crack-up. I'd love to meet her someday. She must keep your life very exciting and eventful. I do hope you appreciate and love her very much.

laura said...

Great Melissa said before...yur mom needs her own website to discuss all of her antics...but I for one find her very entertaining. Besides, I somehow inhereted the clumsy gene...I've been known to trip and fall in public places too.

surrogate sis said...

only Den Den

Wow, that was awkward said...

I don't even know you guys, but I have read enough of Mel's blogs to say that none of this surprises me one single bit.

geekhiker said...

Why do I get the feeling that hanging out with Mel & Family will always entail zany antics of some sort? ;)

Dingo said...

I've already asked Mel if your family would adopt me, but she ignored my question. I come with my own first aid kit and lock picking kit. Oh, and I make an incredible margarita.

Um, is there a reason my word verification has several fu's in a row? Is it that Mel is answering my request via the magic of blogger?

Big Sister said...

Yes Anonymous - You'd love her. You two have a lot in common.

Laura-I'm sorry you got the gene. We'll be much nicer to you as you age.

Surrogate - Re Re and Den Den are always an entertaining duo!

Awkward-I suppose there are no surprises with us, huh? Nothing surprises me anymore either.

Geekhiker - you nailed it. You should be with us some Thanksgiving. We're famous for gross tales at the dinner table.

Dingo-You are officially adopted. Your first job - follow Mom around with bubble wrap. I'm sure Mel did send those fu's. She's skilled at that.