Thursday, July 10, 2008

An Overdue Thank You Note

Dear Cheating Ex,

Thank you.

Thank you for giving me an out. For moving out but leaving all of your stuff in my apartment and writing your email password down in your address book so that I could hack into your Yahoo! inbox and find that letter to her about the paternity test and your undying love. Your infidelity allowed me to finally cut the ties between us and get out.

I couldn’t break the cycle before. I kept thinking things would change. I kept thinking it was my fault because I wasn’t understanding enough, fun enough, patient enough, when really I should have been saying enough is enough. I should have known in Cambria that my disgust with your continual spitting (seriously, who does that) and irresponsibility and ex-girlfriend baggage, paired with all the tears I shed, were big fat warning signs that I needed to flee the situation.

But I stuck it out. My pride wouldn’t let me leave. I told too many people that you were my match. How could I go back on that?

Thank you for making me reconsider. For prompting me to go to counseling to “fix” all of “my” issues—and changing your mind about coming with me even after you promised to make a go of it. Therapy provided me with clarity and a renewed faith in what I deserved from a relationship. It helped me see that I didn’t need to be fixed. And I didn’t need to keep trying to fix you. I needed to believe that the right person was out there. Just not in you.

Thank you for sneaking in to get the rest of your stuff after I told you I knew the truth. I’m glad I didn’t have to see you or talk to you. I’m also glad that you never wanted to forge friendships with my friends. It made the separation a lot easier. It was like one day you were there and the next you were gone and I could go back to my life as it had been before I met you.

Thank you for filling me with so many hurtful, downright icky memories of our time together. Focusing on the negatives helped me wade through the pain at the end. I was able to spike the dismay right back across the court every time it was served to me.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for not proposing to me in Paris. I cannot imagine how much uglier the situation would have been if there’d been a ring involved. If only you had the guts and decency to break up with me when we returned from that trip.

But I feel no more anger towards you—the things you did or didn’t do. Because every stinging word, heart-wrenching action, and betrayal led me to where I am today. You gave me the gift of freedom. And now, a year after we officially ended, I am happier than I think I’ve ever been. I am with the best person in the world. He fits me to a T. He lights me up inside. He is everything that you are not. And I’m so, so grateful to you for leading me to him.

A few nights ago, I had a dream you and I were on vacation together. I came back to our hotel just as you were leaving. Leaving me again without a rightful explanation. And I shouted after you, ”Please don’t do this! Don’t leave.” But, even in my semi-conscious state, I caught myself and remembered that your departure was the best thing. Because Mr. Wonderful would be there when I woke up.


PoopyPants said...

Love this cleansing for you. I want HIM to read it - haha You are such a strong person and I'm so happy that you realized that you deserve better and found Mr. W - you are right, he "fits" you. xoxoxo

Sizzle said...

It's nice when you can come full circle and be grateful that they left, isn't it? I'm so glad you found someone who fits you to a T. Sweet redemption!

But seriously, what's with the spitting? Just. . . ew!

saydnaya said...

Hi there,

well, that was very inspiring ..
this is my first time here on your blog ... and I liked what I read in this post .. and the others seems the same ...

I hope that you take a look at my blogs
I think you can make something with your blog..

keep the good work up

have a nice day

Anonymous said...

The final chapter. End of book.
Job well done. He had us all snowed and will probably get through life doing the same again, and again. It makes me so happy to see you so happy; and the book with Mr. W. will be "Happily Ever After", with no final chapter. You know my famous saying - something good comes out of everything bad - and it did!

brookem said...

How good did it feel to write this letter? I'd like to see his face if you sent this to him. I'm so happy that you have found someone that treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

laura said...

nice post. glad he is out and Mr. W is in.

Anita said...

Mel, what a great and inspiring post! The devil in me agrees with some of the other commenters that I wish he could read this and realize how all the pain he put you through only made you a better person in a MUCH better situation.

PS - I'm so happy to hear you found your missing person.

Nilsa S. said...

Learning from our mistakes. There's nothing better than that. So glad to hear you're grateful and appreciative for what you have today.

Dingo said...

Whew! Good riddance to the asshat! Helloooo, Mr. Wonderful!

I am so glad that you could write this and mean every bit of it and not have to convince yourself that you mean it. Good for you!

Anonymous said...

Great that he prepared you for someone you deserve. Not so great that he's gonna be someone's dad.

just said...

Unanswered prayers. Sweet.

justrun said...

That was me, justrun, by the way. :)

Mel Heth said...

Poopy - I wonder if he reads my blog...I know he used to. Thanks for all your support when the nonsense was going on last year.

Sizzle - Yeah the spitting was sick. And wrong. But I'm so glad it didn't work out - coming full circle has been incredible.

Saydnaya - Thanks for stopping by. Glad you liked what I wrote. :)

Mom - You're awfully poetic. Perhaps we should get you a blog.

Brookem - I've written this in my head so many times. It was fun to put it into print.

Laura - Mr. W's waaay cuter, too. Hopefully you'll meet him soon!

Anita - Thanks. :) I think he knows what he put me through. He's a broken soul, though, so I don't wish it to all come back to him. I'm just happy...that I'm happy. :)

Nilsa - Oh the lessons. The lessons!! They're hard when you're in them, but priceless when you come out the other side.

Dingo - Asshat - Hahahaha! I do mean every word. I'm seriously thankful all the time that the relationship ended. Whew! Glad that's over. ;)

CoconutDiaries - Well, it was never determined whether he was the dad...but I'm sure he has some kids running around out there somewhere...:P

JustRun - Seriously. It's hard to see when you're in it, but man oh man how clear it is now.

Jane Moneypenny said...

Wow, I could have written that myself. Oh wait, I have. :P On my 10 hour drive today, I realized how much I've grown from that horrible point in my life and as much as he was an asshole, it all really worked out better for me. So good of you! Maybe I'll write one to all my exes. haha

Freddy said...


Anonymous said...

I found myself wondering (if you don't mind me boldly asking): could you have written this note before you'd met Mr. Wonderful? Does one really let go of the previous one until it has been replaced by something much-improved?

And since you probably won't see this until tomorrow, I apologize in advance for getting so philosophical on a Friday. ;)

Michael C said...

Yay for you!!! When I decide to leave my job, I'm asking you to write my letter of resignation.

Have a great weekend!!!

Anita said...

It's also kind of like how DeAnna thanks Brad everyday. Because without him, she would never have found her soul mate. Stay tuned for a post on A.S. about it. :)

Mel Heth said...

Jane - It sucks that so many of us have to go through the bad stuff, but I think there are lessons to be learned. Maybe yours was "trust your intuition." I know that was mine.

Freddy - Thanks.

Geekhiker - Yes, I actually wrote drafts of this letter in my journal before Mr. Wonderful came along. The relationship was so toxic - with so much really icky baggage - I truly felt a sense of relief when it was all over. Not that it didn't hurt like hell. But I knew I deserved better.

Michael - I'd be happy to write your letter and work in "noticement" as many times as possible.

Anita - I heart you so much for putting a Bachelorette reference in here!