Monday, July 28, 2008

Shock Value

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had a great affection for shock value. There’s nothing like watching people’s jaws drop at the mere mention of a joke or something you did (that you shouldn’t have done, of course). One of the easiest targets for my gasp-inducing antics is, and always has been, my mother.

The best part about getting her goat, however, is that she doesn’t usually react with a wide-eyed stare or the old hand-covering-mouth-in-horror schtick. She says things like, “You’re making the sperm in my neck hurt!” Which translates to: “You’re making me tense and it’s hurting the bone spur in my neck.” But her mouth works faster than her brain and you never know what’s going to come out of it.

When my brother was a senior in high school, he decided to take an older girl to his prom. My mom did not approve. I was about 10 at the time, and of course, planted myself outside of the kitchen to eavesdrop on the “discussion” that ensued. I don’t remember what my mom said, but I do remember her stumbling on her words when my brother finally shouted, “Mom, if I had a Velcro dick, I’d leave it at home with you!” Stealthy brother knew if he could stun Mom enough, she would most likely stop arguing.

My sister is a huge fan of using me as her shock-inducing device. Like in college when she brought up something at a family dinner about me writing “I love you” across myself in Hershey’s syrup for my boyfriend. Again, Mom got that look and yelled out the cats’ and my siblings’ names before getting it right and yelling at me.

Anyway, given the joy that her reactions bring, it was no surprise that I decided to share with her the story of how Mr. Wonderful told me he loved me.

He and I went to Katsuya for dinner Saturday night (DELICIOUS, btw! I highly recommend—and be sure to get the warm crab roll in rice paper.). After dinner, he asked me what I would like to do and I told him I thought it would be fun to play pool. So off to the Jerry’s Deli bowling alley we went.

We were about midway through our second game and well into our round of beers when he sunk one of my balls. (I was solids, he was stripes, just in case you want to better visualize the story.) I thanked him for giving me a freebee, squeezing him around the waist and he said, “You have to put one of my balls in now.”

Enter: Shock value.

“The only place I’m putting one of your balls is in my mouth,” I said.

“And that’s why I love you,” he laughed. Ah, those three little words...

We were crossing a street when I recounted the story to my mom and sister. My mom tripped not only on her words, choking, “What?! What did you just say?!”, she nearly took a digger on the pavement as well.

Teabagging, Mom. Balls. Oh come on! I was TOTALLY kidding! And I told her as much and reassured her that I am saving myself for marriage. I don’t even know what a ball looks like. Warm or cold.

As far as Mr. Wonderful goes, as soon as he said the words, I slipped into a semi-conscious state and had a series of hot flashes. But later, as we finished off round two of Coronas, I couldn’t help but say, “I can’t believe the first time you told me you loved me out loud was because I said I’d put your ball in my mouth…”

13 comments:

Jane Moneypenny said...

I swear, we're sisters! I'm known for my shock value also... If anything, it makes you very very memorable. And funny.

As for his declaration of love, really, could it have gone any other way? :P

Dingo said...

Make sure that you tell that story as part of your wedding toast (not to rush you into anything, of course). You'll hear the sound of dinner plates breaking as your guests' jaws drop to the table.

Wow, that was awkward said...

You should go golfing with your BF. He can show you how to hold the shaft. You can swing his stick. He can tell you to get a firmer grip. He can try to get it in the hole. You can clean his balls. You can compliment him on his stroking. I could go on...

laura said...

this is why we all love you...

thecoconutdiaries said...

Whoever said the way to a man's heart was through his stomach was aiming 7 or 8 inches too high.

Anita said...

Can I just say that this post (along with the comments thus far from your amazingly creative blog readers) have made my day.

brookem said...

and this? is why i love you!

geekhiker said...

Well, it's pretty easy to see why that was the highlight of the weekend. :)

Lara said...

Stay Classy, Montrose!

Mel Heth said...

Jane - We're totally sisters. We need to meet up and try to out-shock each other.

Dingo - Hahaha that would be great! Most people would almost expect that of me, though.

Wow TWA - You are an innuendo master. Very, very impressive. When Mr. W does home improvements, we like to talk about caulk a lot, too. :P

Laura - I'm sure I learned some of this from you!!

Coconut - I think I read that in a Hallmark card somewhere... :P

Anita - Awe, thanks! I'm glad my obnoxiousness brings joy to people.

Brookem - No, you!

GeekHiker - Meeting you was a very, very close second!!!

Lara - Hahahaha! You rule. And I wouldn't have half as much class if it weren't for your bad influence.

Anonymous said...

You know I've told you about choking on hard candy!

Mel Heth said...

AMOMymous - You probably should've told me something about choking on balls while you were at it.

jen tarara said...

In true Mel Heth form!! You're definitely keeping me entertained, girl :)