Friday, September 12, 2008

We’ll Have a Stinkin’ Good Time

Mr. Wonderful and I are headed up to Napa this weekend for four days of drunken, naked debauchery. Okay, we won’t be naked the whole time, but we will be all wined up and we’ll definitely be debauching. Maybe. Or maybe we’ll be really snooty and speak about “legs” and “bouquets” in British accents.

Anyway, I’m particularly excited about this trip because I’ve never actually been wine tasting in Napa. When I was a wee 23, my college boyfriend and I were all set to take a trip to Calistoga…and he decided to break up with me. Right before Valentine’s Day. Don’t worry, we got back together about a month later…and then broke up again the following year. And then spent several years being each other’s bootie calls… But I digress…

So for weeks, Mr. W and I have been counting down the days until our trip. Just last Sunday after returning from a hike up Temescal Canyon (which I totally meant to blog about) we were sitting on his bed, discussing the details of the trip, joking that we wouldn’t ever want to come back again.

I laid down on the bed with my arms splayed overhead, dreaming of what it would feel like to become a professional grape stomper. Mr. W toppled down next to me and when he scooted closer, he scrunched up his nose and said, “Whew!”

Enter: mortification.

Apparently his olfactory receptors had come into range of my smelly armpit. Sure, we’d gone hiking—but I put on a bunch of freakin' deodorant. I should not have been a stinkfest.

“Why do I have to always be the smelly one?! Does the other pit stink?”

We both leaned in toward the other pit and decided it wasn’t as bad as the first one. “You probably just need to change the brand of deodorant you use,” he said. Or I'm a rancid freak who should run away and join P.U. Barnum's Circus.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that I stunk up the bathroom on our last wine tasting trip and farted on him in my sleep (oh, you guys don’t know that story yet…) now I’m the girl with the putrid underarms. I’m seriously beginning to develop a complex. And it doesn’t help any that he always smells good and seems to crap peonies and spongecake.

So yesterday I went to Target and I bought new deodorant. It’s some coconut-scented Secret stuff. I held the clinical-strength Degree for about 5 minutes before deciding that I was not in fact a special stench-case who required near-prescription strength anti-venom. We’ll see how it goes. It’s supposed to be 90° up there during the day. Add in a lot of alcohol consumption and my propensity to get hot and bothered around Mr. W and it could just be a recipe for disaster. I’m going to hope for the best though—and maybe if Mr. W’s nose ends up in my pit somehow during the heat of passion, the new scent will make him smile instead of dry heaving.

What kind of deodorant/antiperspirant do you all recommend?

17 comments:

Agnes Mildew said...

"Sure". Can you buy this in the States?
Having said that, though, ironically, I, too, have woken with festering pits this morning, and that is after a late bath and scrub last night. Then again, the bedroom was like a sauna last night since Mr P decided that We Now Need The Winter Duvet and I sweated like a pig.
Why is sweat on a bloke 'manly' and on a woman, revolting?
A mystery of life, eh?!

tea said...

This is the answer you are looking for. There is a roll-on nighttime deodorant/antiperspirant called CERTAIN DRI that is very strong and actually different from everything else. Do it. :)

geekhiker said...

I second the recommend Certain Dri. It can be a little hard to find, and a bit pricey, but it works. (Basically it shrinks the pores; no pores = no perspiration = no stink.)

Big Sister said...

I don't know about Secret - Coconut or not. I used to get break-through stink with Secret, and Dry Idea. I really like Ban - no stinky problems, cheap, I don't think it shrinks my pores, (which sounds a smidge unhealthy from a medical standpoint)and I don't think I have white cake on my clothes. Maybe you should roll some on your butt too.

Dingo said...

Ultra Clear Degree something or other. The special stink stopping stuff. You should've picked the Degree! Now I'm wondering about your decision making skills. Sigh.

Big Sis just made me choke on my bagel with her "maybe you should roll some on your butt too" comment.

Semicharmed said...

Hahaha! So funny, the part where you farted on his leg - see girls do these things too! Deoderant is a tricky one lately for me too - Secret Powder Fresh has been my weapon of choice Forever! However this year it stopped working. I've been trying Lady Speed Stick and it's seems to work well - however I smell like a big bowl of fruity pebbles. Guess it's better than the alternative. Have fun in Napa, hope you have lots of naked drunken debauchery!

Oh and ps. I moved to blogger :)

laura said...

Can't wait to hear about Napa....I'm a looking forward to good posts and some pics to go along with it!

charlotteharris said...

I like the Dove brand. But another tip that might help... in the shower, exfoliate that area with a washcloth regularly - it removes dead skin which can also trap bacteria and odor.
Lookin' forward to hearing about your Napa trip!

The Coconut Diaries said...

I used the clinical strength Degree because I want it to stop. Complex be damned, I recommend it.

I say get all your smells out of the way now so there are no surprises after you guys get married (oops, did I jinx it???). Even after 7 years The Hubster is stunned at the places woman grown hair.

Mandy said...

I love all the pit advice! I'm totally going to loofah under there!

I just use Suave or Secret or Dove or whatever I happen to grab. I think the last one was "Cool Cucumber."

We all fart in our sleep. A true gentleman would never mention it.

*Glares*

Hannah said...

If it makes you feel any better, one of Mattys nic names for me is "Girlilla" (like gorilla) becasue of how my pits smell sometimes.

brookem said...

hahaha, oh mel, this one got me.
i use dove "energy" right now. i used to use secret platinum and recently switched because it wasn't doing the trick anymore.
i also sometimes use certain dry like, once every couple weeks. it helps too.

have the best time in napa! im so jealous!

Nilsa S. said...

I use regular Degree. Though, last I heard, it doesn't help with the stink-ass (quite literally). My fiance uses this almost-prescription-strength shit at night to help with his sweating. Might help with the stench too. You should check it out. Only I don't know the name of it. (Bad brand management, I say.) Some help I am, eh?!

Lara said...

Don't fret my stinky little flower! I use Dove Clinical Strength. I'm sure it will work because I pit-rubbed you on our birthday.

Wow, that was awkward said...

How was Napa?! I hope you didn't stink it up too much for everybody else!!

brandy said...

I had to actually go check and see what I had because I had no idea. I can't decide if that's a good thing or not (if I have no idea what I'm wearing, there's a good chance I've skipped putting it on a few days lately... yes. I was turning into THAT unemployed person- the one who doesn't wear deodorant). Anyhoodle, I checked and it's Secret Sheer Dry Violet Dazzle. Okay, that name is just ridiculous. It's okay, I wouldn't buy it again though. I did have a friend who raved about Adidas deodorant though...

Emily said...

Oh my lord I wish I had read this post earlier. My deodorant is the best ever. It's called Dry Idea and I've converted like 5 other people. No joke. It's awesome, because its dry and really keeps you from sweating and if you get the Powder Fresh scent it smells nice too but you don't smell like deodorant, know what I mean? It's definitely my favorite, and trust me, I have been grappling with a sweat problem since puberty. Awkward? Maybe...