Monday, December 22, 2008

Hetherington Holiday Mayhem

Over the past several Christmases, my sister has been enjoying a holiday tradition that she likes to rub in my face all year long. She invites my dad over to her house and she and my nieces make Christmas cookies with him. Last year they called me at work, giggling and listening to carols, bragging on and on about how much fun they were having with Dad.

Well, this year she was nice enough to include me, and thus begun the holiday hilarity of my weekend.

Dad was feeling a little under the weather, so we weren’t sure what to expect from him in terms of creativity. As you can see from the picture above, he more than delivered. He turned a gingerbread man into an alien, a Santa Claus into a Krusty the Clown-esque snowman, and an ornament into a very lifelike clock.

Given Dad’s less than healthy state, it was no surprise that last night—at our extended family Christmas dinner—Mom asked, “Who knows how to carve a turkey?” There was no way we were letting Dad get germs on our birds. The only person to raise his hand in the room was, my hero, Mr. Wonderful. Of course he knew how to carve a turkey, he watches 5-27 hours of the Food network each week.

The turkeys were carved and all was well in the world. Until dessert.

As a side note, it should be known that my 8- and 10-year old nieces are deathly afraid of human vomit. Simply saying the word “throw up” is equivalent to describing the Charles Manson murders in detail.

The two of them were perched on the couch when my cousin’s 2-year old started to choke on his pumpkin pie. He was still talking—no airways were cut off—he just needed a little sip of water to wash it down. Unfortunately, his dad didn’t move fast enough, and as my nieces watched with mouths agape and eyes bulging, poor little Lucas tossed his cookies. My cousin, being an expert in the field of motherhood, simply reached out and caught it on her dessert plate.

The nieces screamed. The room erupted into moans. Mr. W murmured, “Ooooh no…” And my mother started laughing so hard at everyone else’s reactions, that she locked at the knees and began doing a bladder handicapped run down the hallway to the bathroom.

Given that she wet her pants a smidge on Thanksgiving when my brother flew Mr. W’s remote controlled helicopter into the china cabinet and broke an antique glass, I was fairly confident that she’d ruptured the seal this time as well.

Ten minutes later, she reappeared, wearing slightly different black pants. “Did you pee?” I asked as she wiped tears of laughter from the corners of her eyes. She tried to play coy at first. But after much harassing, she admitted that not only did she break the seal, she had a full flood on her hands…or rather, feet…by the time she reached the bathroom.

My family is all getting together again on Wednesday, so there may be more stories to come. And my sister will be writing a guest blog about this year’s disgusting gift exchange with our cousin’s husband.

Yes folks, it’s the most wonderful time of year in the Hetherington household… I hope we all survive it.


Nilsa said...

I love the cookie making/decorating tradition. Definitely an activity where everyone can have fun!

laura said...

Love it!!! I hadn't heard about the scary christmas cookies....i don't think our family christmas events this week will compare. and i am anxiously waiting big sis' post on the gift exchange since i already got a hint of what was gifted this year...ooohhhh...the creativity in your family is impressive.

Big Sister said...

We missed you Laura! I told your mom you would have loved to have been there for the festivities in person. I'm so glad she was there to witness this all. The moral of the story - tag along with your mom whenever you can, to one of our holidays!
PS - Details on the Gross Gift Exchange Coming soon. I couldn't be prouder of my creativity.

Dingo said...

Woohoo! The gift exchange! If the vomit was quickly taken away from the table but no one admits to throwing it away, I think I know the basis for this year's gift exchange.

Diz said...

This is AWESOME! I was laughing out loud at my desk at work imagining your mom running down the hall! I love your family.

Brandy said...

Oh man, the family decorating cookies is one of my favourite things to do during the holidays! Your dad really whipped up some good ones- I would like to see him battle against my mom- last year, she did an entire set of 'pirate holiday' themed cookies.

Yeah... I can't even explain what those looked like. Thankfully, they tasted delicious!

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh your family sounds like a crack up - especially your mom - good sense of humor especially when she was the hostess. Have you ever thought of writing a sitcom!
Love to hear your sister's side of the story!

justrun said...

But so unforgettable!

Mel's mom said...

Well folks you had to be there to believe it! And do remember Mel does tend to ex....agger....ate just a tad! Don't believe every thing you hear especially when picking on poor mom!

Mermanda said...

Haha! You know your mom is having a good time when she wets herself.

charlotteharris said...

oh your family is hilarious!

Anonymous said...

"My cousin, being an expert in the field of motherhood, simply reached out and caught it on her dessert plate"

Ewwww... I think I'll ask Santa to bring me that do-it-yourself tubal ligation kit. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I'm starting to think I know way too much about your family's bodily secretions... ;)

Lara Watkins said...

I LOVE YOUR FAMILY!!!! This makes me so happy!

laura said...

okay...just got back from my family dinner where i got a full recap of yesterday's events...and to mel's mom: this doesn't sound like an exaggeration at fact, i think it may have even been understated.

but the best part....our story started with daryl answering the door to pam and ronnie...and daniel (my 12-year old nephew) chimed in to ask if daryl was naked when he answered the door. i can't believe he remembered that about daryl. what a crack up!!

Wow, that was awkward said...

If I had to join a new family, I think I'd choose yours.

Mel Heth said...

Nilsa - It was fun for all ages, that's for sure.

Laura - I wish we lived closer! It would've been fun to see your dad and mine making cookies together.

Sister - Get working on the cuff link post, would you?

Dingo - Oh you're right on the money. My cousin's husband was threatening to add resin to the barf to harden it and make a paperweight.

Diz - I'm sure you've witnessed her peeing her pants at some point, right?

Brandy - I love the pirate cookie idea! How cute! My dad will have to figure out a way to top himself next year.

Anonymous - Yes, they're quite an entertaining bunch.

JustRun - Extremely unforgettable.

Mom - There was no exaggeration at all in this story. I didn't even touch upon the scary, deep "pee laugh" you get right before it's going to happen.

Mermanda - It's not an uncommon occurrence, so she must be having a good time quite often.

Charlotte Harris - Yeah, if I were smart, I'd post a video of them in action.

Coconut - OMG you are a crack up. C'mon when it's you're own kid's barf, it's not so bad...

GeekHiker - The whole town almost knew too much after the flash flood my mom put out.

Lara - Wish you could've been there! Remember when we were boxing and we made her pee her denim dress?

Laura - Hahahaha ah yes, Darrell's naked reputation proceeds him everywhere.

Wow TWA - We would gladly take you.

Poopy said...

You did leave out one hysterical moment...we can't forget the holiday "choo choo" train dance that she did as she offered Mr. W the Christmas home tour!

Mandy's Kidding said...

"My cousin, being an expert in the field of motherhood, simply reached out and caught it on her dessert plate"

The comedic timing in that sentence is awe-inspiring.