Sunday, May 3, 2009

Flying (and Sighing) Solo

Last night, I had to go to a wedding. With my parents.

Climbing into the car with them and a pair of their high school friends took me right back to the pre-teen days when I was dragged out to dinner with them every Friday night. Except last night, I was allowed to listen to the dirty jokes.

They made for quite entertaining dates… We hadn’t even reached the car after the ceremony when my mom was locked at the knees doing her silent, going-to-pee-the-pants laugh. My dad had realized his new pants were way too long and he was stepping on the backs of them, so he hiked them up like a Victorian woman crossing a puddle. The sight of his skinny little black-socked ankles poking out under the billows of pantleg sent my mom straight over the edge. We joked that we’d better stop for some Depends on the way to the reception and she decided that maybe if we got some for my dad too, his pants would stay up. This, of course, led her into another fit of silent, bladder-rupturing laughter…

Thankfully we made it to the venue without any “accidents.” However, when we picked up our table assignments at the door, I discovered I wasn’t sitting with the silly old people. Was that an accident? I’d been placed at a table of young couples, only one of whom I really knew—but hadn’t talked to in years. You might think this was my big opportunity to catch up with an old friend… Not so much. They weren't talkers. So it turned out to be more like my opportunity to sit awkwardly, stuffing my face with cheese, wine, dinner and cake, pretending to watch little kids break dancing in front of us.

At one point, around the second glass of wine, I broke down and told another guy at the table he looked really familiar. I couldn’t place him, but I knew I’d seen him somewhere… We grew up in neighboring towns. He asked my name… And then it hit me. I asked if he knew my girlfriend, Jugs. He said, “Awe yeah she and I went to the same gym.” That’s not exactly what I remembered…

What I remember is that Jugs had a little fling with this fellow, and when she took me out for my 27th birthday, we ran into him and his friend Tad. (Short for Tadpole. Seriously. That's what he told me.) I’d had plenty to drink and decided that Tad was the man of my dreams for the night. I made out with him on the dance floor and brought him back to Jug’s guest room where I talked with and kissed (it was innocent, I promise) him until 5 in the morning. I recall things going south as I sobered up and he told me he not only lived at home with his parents, but was working as a “private investigator…”

As the other couples, Familiar Guy included, talked about their newborns and lack of sleep, all I could think about was how much I wished Mr. W was there with me. We would’ve been talking about cheese and calling people “tools” under our breaths.

I tried to fill his void with continual visits to my parents’ table. During one trip, I watched a complete stranger drag my mom away and try to swing dance with her while my dad and I pointed and laughed. Then there was the slow dance my dad and I shared, which I followed up with a phone call to my sister to rub it in that I got to dance with Dad and was having fun without her. Dad was a good distraction…but he wasn’t Mr. W.

At several points throughout the night, people asked me when I was going to get married. My go-to line was “I’m working on it.” But right now, I’d love nothing more than to just meet him for a cup of coffee or run my hand through his curls. When I think about marrying him, it’s not the wedding I want, it’s the everyday life.

17 comments:

Dingo said...

"it’s not the wedding I want, it’s the everyday life."

Exactly.

And cheese. Don't forget about wanting the cheese.

Anonymous said...

That's hillarious! What isn't so funny is that now my own mother is calling me "Jugs".

Poopy said...

I'm still trying to figure out who "jugs" is! Also, very happy that you didn't need the depends afterall :)

laura said...

hilarious! never a dull moment with your parents.

Mel Heth said...

Dingo - I will never forget the cheese.

Jugs - I'm sorry. I can't help that my brilliance spreads like wildfire.

Poopy - Here's a hint: I'm running the half marathon with Jugs this weekend. I too was pleased there were no pee incidents Saturday. That would've been very embarrassing...

Laura - They're totally out of control. You should've seen Denice after a couple glasses of wine.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

I've been to weddings with my parents, too. I adore my parents and would go to a gazillion weddings with them. Because their friends always misbehave and crack me up.

I love your last line. So very very true!

Big Sister said...

I still can't believe you didn't ask me to be your date, when your date is on another continent. We could have group danced with Dad, and then called Michael to rub it in. I would have been a very good conversationalist at the table, and I wouldn't have asked you one time when you were getting married.

justrun said...

Between the toilet overflow and this, I want to be around your parents just for the fun!

And yeah, there's no way all the wedding stuff could be better than the everyday life. No way.

Mel Heth said...

Nilsa - Yeah the parents and their crazy friends were WAY more fun than the youngsters at my table!

Sister - If I'd been smart enough to even think about bringing you as a date, I would have. But then I wouldn't have been able to rub it in YOUR face that Daddy and I danced and held hands.

JustRun - They're quite an entertaining duo. If it's not the toilet overflowing, it's my mom's bladder...

Jane Moneypenny said...

AW!! That last line, Mel. You got it bad! You give me hope that one day I'll get rid of all the bad apples to find my own Mr. W.

Anonymous said...

I feel like I had all types of these strange situations while Randy was deployed and I was married/single, except the question was "when are you going to have a baby?" I know it sucks, but it makes the everyday life when he's home better. You won't be in this limbo forever, but it sure feels like it when you're in the middle of it. Hang on sista! hugs, K

geekhiker said...

Hey, these are modern times. Just got get a ring and pop the question already. ;)

Sizzle said...

That last line? Aww, melt my heart. Seriously.

Wow, that was awkward said...

Is Jugs named Jugs for the obvious reason?

thecoconutdiaries said...

The stuff no one mentions in the vows, between the Macarena or the sugary flowers, is the best stuff. It's the memories you tuck under your chin and smile a knowing little grin until you get to see him again.

But I find dances with daddies to be a pretty good stand-in.

Anonymous said...

So after 45 yrs. you should be happy that I still find dad entertaining and can still laugh at him!
Mom

Mel Heth said...

Jane - Your good apple is out there, I promise!

K - I know - it stinks that even if you get married, you don't escape the line of questioning. I guess it never ends...Hope you're hanging in there too!

GH - If I thought he wouldn't drop dead of a heart attack right on the spot, I might consider that. ;)

Sizzle - I'm blushing a little. :)

Wow TWA - Come on - you know be by now. OF COURSE she is!

Coconut - You're so poetic! Yeah there's something very touching about the Dad dance.

Mom - It's hard NOT to laugh at him most of the time.