Sunday, May 31, 2009

Old Enough to Be Your Mother

Saturday night I went out for drinks with my girlfriend after oh I don’t know about eight hundred and fifty years. I honestly can’t remember the last time I went out for girls’ night in LA. Clearly, it’s been too long. So I was quite excited by the prospect of it.

We went to Father’s Office in Culver City first, enjoying a beer and some sweet potato fries. Then it was off to Saints & Sinners, a charming retro little spot with 60s décor, a bizarre vintage horror flick being projected on the wall, and bartenders who dimmed the lights and blew fire and one another a couple times while we were there.

As my girlfriend and I discussed the latest film her company has been working on, a young chap in a too-big trucker cap that covered his ears interrupted us with a drunken salutation. He introduced himself as Richard, so I of course said, “Richie, how old are you?” Twenty-three. Practically a newborn.

“I’m old enough to be your mother,” I told him.

My girlfriend laughed and asked if that would have been physically possible. Considering I didn’t hit puberty until about 25, the answer to that was no.

“You don’t seem 33, but you do seem tense,” Richard slurred back at me. “You need to laugh more! You need to learn to have fun.”

“Oh, I know how to have fun,” I corrected him. “You should see the rugburns on my back.”

And those, mom if you’re reading this, are only there because I slipped on a banana peel in Tampa and scraped my back on the carpet when I fell down.

20 comments:

Wow, that was awkward said...

I so want to cash in my raincheck for drinks with you in LA.

Mel Heth said...

Wow - The first thing that came to mind when I read that was, "dirty perv." But probably you just want to hang with me so we can pick on 23 year olds together, right?

Wow, that was awkward said...

The first thing that came to mind when I read your blog title was, "dirty perv." But probably you just want to pretend you aren't so your mom doesn't give you an angry call, right?

Mel Heth said...

Wow - She raised me. If I'm a diry perv, it's pretty much 100% her fault.

Big Sister said...

Did Mr. W's mom see the rug burns on your back when she saw you naked?

Mandy's Kidding said...

You appeal to all generations. You are timeless like that.

Semicharmed (Brandi) said...

Ahhhh 23....I remember those days vaguely. Isn't it funny going out now? It's so different from when we were 23. At least I feel it is anyway....and I look at these girls and I think "OMG....did I look like that??". And rug burn on your back?? Oh dear. I hope Mr W's mom didn't catch a glimpse of that too. There's no talking yourself outta that situation.

laura said...

hmmmm...maybe the next time you are in the OC we can go out for drinks...I want to see you in action.

Poopy said...

Every girl needs a rug burn when sneaking around the potential mother-in-law - hehehehe

Mel Heth said...

Sister - Thankfully Future Mother-in-Law saw me naked from the side. So she probably didn't notice the burns. AND she was probably too busy admiring my ample rack, anyway.

Mandy - Will you marry me?

Semichrmd - Yes age is such a funny thing. I remember thinking how terribly OLD 30 seemed when I was 23. Now I think it's fantastic!

Laura - I'm pretty sure my antics wouldn't measure up to yours!!

Poopy - You were the first person I thought of when I noticed the burns. I think I even told Mr. W that story. :P

laura said...

I think Poopy may need to be a guest writer on your blog...I don't think I've heard HER rug burn story...

justrun said...

Ha! Huge benefit to getting older: knowing what fun is AND being able to talk about it. :)

Mom said...

I hope you didn't get any scars on your back when you slipped on the banana peel. You must be clumsy like your mother!

Mike129 said...

Age is irrelevant.

Well, unless it might land you in jail....

Big Sister said...

I just find it a tad disturbing that mom is commenting on the rug burns on your back. Gee, does Dad want to weigh in on this too? Michael - you out there?

Mel Heth said...

Laura - When Poopy and my brother started dating, he was still living at home with us. She and I decided to do some "sisterly" bonding, so we went rollerblading together one day. I didn't know her very well - and I was very innocent and only 19 - so I was a bit taken aback when she said, "Can you see the rugburns on my back?"

JustRun - Haha yeah I think my mouth gets bigger every year.

Mom - Thank you for not writing that you had rugburns on your back too.

Mike - Age isn't irrelevant when you're single! There's no way I'd date a 23 year old now. Intellect and maturity are the most attractive traits!

Sister - She lives to be in on the dirty gossip. I'm just glad she didn't produce some scandalous story of her own.

thecoconutdiaries said...

I love when (drunk) boys believe mild insults will result in a spontaneous change of mind and spreading of legs.

Nice try, Junior.

Anonymous said...

My story is not scandalous - just a secret!

Big Sister said...

Mom, please keep your "secrets" between you and Pam.

Mermanda said...

YOU TOLD YOUR MOM YOU HAVE SEX INJURIES? ON YOUR BLOG!? GASP!