Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Screwed

Not sure if I ever mentioned it here, but I was an accident. My parents weren’t expecting to have another kid—10 years after the birth of their first one. Being the youngest by a long shot meant that all of our family friends thought of me as their surrogate daughter or little sister. I inherited all of my siblings’ friends, and was parented by dozens.

I may not have also mentioned that I live minutes from the town in which I grew up. Almost my entire family is in the immediate vicinity. A lot of old friends live in the area. It’s great most of the time, but when it comes to thinking about a wedding?

I’m screwed.

For about the last decade or so, I’ve been dealing with people asking me when I was going to get married, telling me they can’t wait to come to my wedding, and giving me advice on how I should handle the whole shebang. It stresses the sheet out of me.

I love the idea of having a small wedding—just family and close friends. But given my upbringing and “small town” environment, the lowest number I can get my count down to is 90. Yes, people, I made a list. Years ago. Without an engagement ring. Simply because the thought of making that list sent me into a panic. So I went ahead and did it just to see how bad the damage would be.

That number includes only 4 high school friends and their dates, 2 college friends and their husbands, and about 5 couples I’ve met in my working life. Everyone else is a family member or family friend. And it doesn’t include any kids outside of my nieces, which is a whole other issue. If I allow kids, I have to allow EVERYONE’S kids—and that would add between 14 and 22 more to my list.

Why don’t I just elope? I’ve thought about it. Mr. W and I have talked about it. But I honestly cannot imagine saying my vows without my family nearby. Why don’t I have family only? Because some of my friends feel like family. Why don’t I just put myself into major credit card debt and spring for a $50k wedding? Because I see absolutely NO sense in that whatsoever. It’s ONE day. An important one, yes. But not one worth $50k. I want to use that money for a house or travel or college educations for my imaginary children.

It’s so funny how little girls never think of the immense pressure and have-to-please-everyone nonsense that comes with a wedding when they’re dreaming about their day as a princess. How do people make it through this?

I guess I should stop worrying altogether…I’m not even engaged…just trying to think ahead…

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Holy crap, if I could take the day (and the cash) back I would! Elope then have a big party with everyone you want to be there. If the word 'wedding' is not attached to anything, you will save a bajillion dollars.

OR, you can do a destination wedding and let those who can come, come, and you get to combo it with your honeymoon. Though having all your fam on your honeymoon may be weird.

I didn't think this through very well...

-thecoconutdiaries

Wow, that was awkward said...

I assume you saw the movie Wedding Crashers. I just don't want you to be too surprised when you see me drinking with your inlaws.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

I know this is a lot easier said than done, but I hope you'll still take what I'm about to say to heart. This is *your* wedding. I sincerely believe that if you want something small, then you should have something small. Include only those people you want to include. Don't stress yourself out over an overflowing guest list and a through the roof budget. Then, if the townies are clamoring for a party, let your parents open up their backyard for a potluck cookout. Or invite everyone to meet you at a local bar. Everyone gets a piece of you, yet you still get a wedding your way.

geekhiker said...

What, no blogging friends on the list? ;)

Nah, go for the Vegas wedding. With Elvis. You know, so it's classy.

Sizzle said...

I am all about eloping for the very reasons you state. I'm thinking Destination Wedding which drastically cuts down on who can come. I have seen too many of my friends get torn up over who to invite and how much money it will cost. Inviting family members because they are obligated and cutting out some friends they'd rather have but can't exceed the head count. It's stressful! The people pleaser in my is freaking out prematurely at the idea of it.

I do daydream about a "Real" wedding where I get to invite my closest loved ones to share the joy with me. I just have no idea how I would pay for it. I know waaaay too many people.

This is all assuming I ever meet someone I want to marry.

laura said...

hmmmm.....this is a hard one. Danny's cousin got married last year and spent about $150k on the wedding...HUGE black tie wedding in NY(with top shelf liquor and a martini fountain, but i digress)but they did not invite kids...not even family kids. and guess what! almost two years later, some of the family still has not forgiven them. just something to think about.

Maybe a destination wedding is the way to go...I tried to talk Leah into doing that (but I really was just trying to shoehorn my way into an extra vacation this year)just because it takes away the stress of who makes the cut and who does not.

Just curious, if you already have a guest list, are you also registered or are you holding off on that till you get the ring?

Mandy's Kidding said...

I feel like this blog is bad luck. I think it's bad luck to discuss any wedding plans or wedding thoughts before an actual engagement. I had a boyfriend once try to get me to try on an engagement ring (just for fun) in Tiffany's ... and I refused to put it on my ring finger. He didn't understand but the saleswoman understood immediately, and said, "She can't. It's bad luck."

*Looks over shoulder*

Mel Heth said...

Coconut - A lot of people have said that exact same thing. I guess after the big day comes and goes, you get some clarity on the whole thing.

Wow TWA - I'll be sure to hire a couple bouncers to check the guest list.

Nilsa - I've thought about the split-party option. It just seems like that is TWO events to plan, and potentially more stress.

Geekhiker - I think a wedding in the middle of a forest would be more appropriate for me. :)

Sizzle - A. You're totally meeting the man you're going to marry, and I think it'll happen soon. B. I'm glad you find all this stressful to think about too. Planner/Aries think alike!

Laura - Does this mean if I don't invite Holly and Bernie, you guys will be mad for years? I really wish someone else would just plan the whole thing for me when the time comes.

Mandy - THANKS A LOT! Now what do I do? It's already out there! Do you have some Buddha meditation I can chant to realign my marriage energy now? Gimme back my luck!

Mandy's Kidding said...

I don't know! Put a ring on your non-wedding ring and walk around in a circle three times saying, "I don't want to get married, I don't want to get married, I don't want to get married?"

Mel Heth said...

But doesn't that go against the laws of attraction? I'm supposed to put good juju out about getting married!

laura said...

Holly and Bernie don't need to be invited...I would hate for them to upstage the bride and groom.

Anita said...

I'm telling you...people who say wedding planning is fun and what they've always dreamed of are crazy or lying. It's stressful, expensive, and turns minutiae into big issues. I can't wait for it to be done. I thought doing it in Vegas would make it better but guess again. You have all the showers and other things to attend. I shouldn't complain but it's hard not to sometimes so I'm going to do it here! :)

justrun said...

I have thought about this to the point that it's probably ridiculous. I'm thinking destination/run-off-and-get-married wedding, party for everyone later. I'm also far too casual for my own good, so my party would probably be a barbecue. (Or maybe I'm a hillbilly?)

At any rate, it's so stressful to think about! Not to mention pointless, because I'm about as far from my own wedding as someone can get without being dead.

Mel Heth said...

Laura - Ah, yes. I didn't think of that.

Anita - I guess that's why God invented honeymoons. To recover from all the madness!

JustRun - I'm so glad I'm not the only over-thinker here. And just because you don't feel close doesn't mean you aren't! When I was your age, I had no prospects, and now just a few years later I've met the man of my dreams. Hang in there, lady!

Dingo said...

Why, why, why to people make wedding planning so stressful? Look, just invite me and a few of your closest friends to a destination wedding and be done with it. Can I sit at the table with your Big Sis and Coconut Diaries? We promise not to embarrass you too much.

Amy Turpin said...

Went to a destination wedding in Maui last year. Was an awesome wedding with a small, but VERY fun crowd. Only sad thing was bride's parents couldn't make it because her mom fell and broke her leg a month before. I'm all for the destination thing as long as those closest to you can make it. If not...then you will always wish you would have done something where they could have.
Also, the only regrets I have from my wedding are the things I did just to appease someone else. It truly is YOUR day. Be respectful, but stand true to your wishes and do what YOU want to do (oh ya and what your man wants too).

Rachel said...

girl - if people you don't invite can't get over it, get over them! you will kill yourself with unecessary stress over this. i had 20 at my wedding and people understood.

kinda feel funny writing this seeing that you're not even planning a wedding yet but still....

christina said...

I'm always amazed by the level of selfishness couples have to deal with in friends and family when it comes to weddings. It's gross. Laura's comments for example....family not forgiving another family member because of their wedding decisions. Wow. Please consider what's important to you and those people that love and support you and have your best interest at heart will understand and hopefully voice their own needs and concerns in a compassionate way. Admittedly, when someone you know is not able to include you in their wedding the way you want to be included, it can be tough. But then I remember, it's not always about ME. Maybe you need to practice different diplomatic ways of saying, "Piss off, this wedding isn't about you." That way, you're an expert by the time you're happily engaged.

Big Sister said...

Woo Hoo Dingo - You are so at my table! Let's sit with my cousin Big T, and I'll tell him to wear the lice cufflinks, OK? Isn't it fun that we are even making seating arrangements for a wedding that doesn't exist yet? I'll plan your wedding, and then everyone can hate me! I don't give a rip....

Dingo said...

@Big Sis -- Should I start collecting eye boogers to make a one of a kind wedding present?

Big Sister said...

Oh Dingo-
What fun we could have concocting wedding gifts for my baby sister out of other people's DNA. See ya at the Bachelorette party - I'll plan a good one!