Monday, September 14, 2009

Untitled

I found out last Thursday that a friend’s husband had taken his own life the day before. I’ve never known someone who committed suicide, and never would have expected this person to be the first. I don’t have words for how broken my heart is for this family. I cannot imagine the pain that led him to do what he did, nor the pain she is feeling now.

Hearing about this rocked my perspective. Suddenly this massive awareness about how short life can be and how much every moment needs to be cherished settled upon me. I wanted to reach out my arms and gather every person I know to tell them that they are special and necessary and important. Tell them that nothing could matter more than having them in this world. And that they would always be okay and taken care of even if they lost everything they owned. I wish there was a way to ensure that everyone believed this.

This perspective got me thinking about my impatience with Mr. Wonderful and how ridiculous I was being, letting myself get down about our seeming relationship standstill. When every day here is so precious, I should be doing nothing other than enjoying him and celebrating what we have.

But Saturday night I found myself caught in another emotional discussion about why we haven’t moved forward. Kids, kids, kids. He’s waiting for the epiphany that will tell him he really does want kids. I’m not sure that epiphany will—or even can—come until he is holding his own child in his arms. To him, that’s too big of a risk. He said he wakes up every day with this on his mind. Every day, he wonders what to do.

And I wonder if there needs to be any wondering at all. It’s making me crazy that I can’t just keep Thursday’s perspective in my head all the time and know that what matters most is the joy we experience when we’re together. What matters most is that I have him in my life. I get so worked up about “having a life with him” when, in reality, it’s already here. And because no one knows what the future holds for any of us, I should really embrace that life.

It’s like there’s a knowing parent and a spoiled child fighting inside my head. And every time someone makes a remark about how I need to get married and have kids, that spoiled child grows louder.

I want to pay attention to the knowing voice. I want to make the most of every moment and believe that things will work out the way they are supposed to; when they are supposed to. I want to remember that things could change drastically in an instant.

8 comments:

Jane Monepenny said...

Looks like we're both inpatient. :P It's like that cliched saying, when you find happiness/love, you want that life to start right now (I just butchered it, but you know what I mean). The hearts wants what it wants, after all.

I don't really believe in fate or THE ONE or things happening for a reason. I'm a strong believer in making your own fate (which is why I continually take giant stupid risks like dump my feelings on a guy), so you have to ask yourself, "Am I happier with or without him?" Would you rather be w/ him this way or not at all but find happiness with someone else that will go somewhere?

Sizzle said...

I think we get a lot of outside pressures to hurry along, especially when it comes to relationships, but that if we do what you say you want to do- enjoy the here and now- you'll be infinitely more happy. Sometimes we rush past the good part and don't even know we've done it til we're too far gone.

justrun said...

That is so terribly sad. It does put a huge, shining light on perspective, and on love, and on what really matters. As long as you're looking out for what matters TO YOU, there's no moment wasted. It's a blessing to have days happening right now that are sooo good that no matter what the future holds, we can look back on now, this moment, and be grateful.

brookem said...

im so sorry to hear about your friend's husband. that's so incredibly tragic.
and i know how easy it is for people to say to "live in the moment," and even to try and remind ourselves of that. some days that's easier than others. i think if you keep focusing on the GOOD in your world and all that matters most to you (like justrun said), then things will all have a way of working out.

Dingo said...

What a heartbreaking situation. I am so sad for your friend. She must be devastated.

We're always getting conflicting info -- live in the moment, no, plan ahead. Which one is it?

As I read "I get so worked up about 'having a life' with him" I thought "but she already does!" And then, you took the words right out of my mouth. Mel, you are smart and you are wise. As someone said on an earlier post, don't let people's expectations rush you or change your own perspective or expectations for you and Mr. W.

Mel Heth said...

Jane - I think impatience might be coupled with the XX chromosome. :) To answer your question, I would rather be with him. He lights me up like no one else does. I guess I'm just antsy to turn the spark into a bonfire.

Sizzle - You're so right. Happiness only exists in each moment. And rushing past the good stuff is no way to live. I need to get better about drowning out the voices.

JustRun - You hit the nail on the head. It's about gratitude. Maybe I need to start my gratitude journal again...

Brookem - Thank you - it is a heartbreakingly awful situation my friend is in. You are right - the focus should be on the good. Especially when there is so much of it.

Dingo - Thank you for your kind words. I think I have the ability to be wise...but I don't always apply the wisdom to my own life. Here's to trying a little harder.

geekhiker said...

Can I ask you a question out of sheer male ignorance? Why do you want kids? I mean, it always seems to me when I read women's blogs that the onus is put on the guy to make the decision, and there's an underlying theme that if he doesn't desire children that he's branded as being "wrong" in his thinking; he has to defend his not wanting kids, but she never has to defend wanting them. Just a curiosity (exacerbated, no doubt, by my Mom's old anthropological way of looking at the world).

My sympathies to your friend. I cannot begin to imagine the pain she is going through.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

What a horrible way to be reminded that life is so very precious. I read your thoughts on Mr. W with two perspectives. One is that you're absolutely right. He brings you happiness now. Here. Today. You should embrace that feeling and worry not about the differences you might have. They will work themselves out in due time. And the other side of me says, she wants kids and he's not sure. That's a pretty big fundamental difference. Why deny yourself a future happiness because you can't get past this road block today? And truth be told, I really don't know what the answer is. And I also don't know if I'm even asking the right questions. I think only you know what's best for you. And only you will have the a-ha moments to know that what you're doing today and where you're heading tomorrow is right.