Tuesday, October 13, 2009

A Thong Pox on My House

As if I don’t have enough else to keep me occupied, I’ve been dealing with a thong pox on my house. How do I know it’s a thong pox? Allow me to present the evidence.

Incident A: The laundry room
Several years ago, a dear friend of mine bought me a silky, black thong from Victoria’s Secret that says “Angel” in rhinestones across the front of it. Considering what a chaste and pious individual I am, I know you find that fitting. But I think it’s kind of trashy and funny.

About two weeks ago, I was doing laundry in our communal facility when I looked up and saw said thong folded on one of the shelves above the dryer. Couldn’t have been a nice, tame white cotton one. Nope, had to be my stripper underwear. And I’m sure it was the 79-year-old two doors down who found it hiding in the dryer. Very embarrassing.

Incident B: The bathroom
Shortly after finding the Angel thong out in the great wide open, my apartment became overrun with ants. They got into the cat food. They were coming out of the bathtub faucet. They were in my linen closet. And the day I left a heap of dirty clothes lying on my bathroom sink, I came home to find my thong covered in ants. SO freaking sick.

Incident C: The hallway
I wear flip-flops to work a lot. So much that I get teased about it. What can I say, I’m a California girl. Anyway, I was sporting my favorite black thongy thongs last week when I unknowingly bounced down the hallway and stepped in a pile of cat barf. Nothing better to come home to after a long day at the office. It was dark, I didn’t see it, and as I flipped on the bathroom light and hopped toward the tub to wash the shoe, I noticed the puke was covered in ANTS. Super fun. There is an ant man coming today to spray under my apartment.

Incident D: The kitchen
Sunday night after enjoying a lovely 2nd birthday celebration for my youngest niece, Mr. W and I stopped by my apartment to grab a couple things before heading back to his house. I was racing into the kitchen to get the frozen panna cotta (DELISH, I tell you) I bought at Trader Joe’s, when one of my favorite flip-flops from the story above came unhooked from its sole and flew off my foot. They were only $7 at H&M but I looove them and was very sad that they might not see another day.

Thankfully, I performed surgery on the broken shoe last night and was able to repair it. And I have made a mental note to triple check the washer and dryer when cleaning any undergarments. I’m hoping these activities will undo the pox. However, if they don’t work, I am prepared to consider switching to ballet flats and granny panties.

17 comments:

laura said...

cotton briefs and flats...that's how i knew i was getting old. the good news is, i'm sure your mom could point you in the direction of the granny panty aisle at TJ Maxx...if it comes to that.

Mel Heth said...

Laura - What! You're not a flat-wearing cotton pantier! You always look sassy. I think my mom invented the granny panty aisle at TJ. I'm pretty sure I saw a plaque with her picture hanging there.

Hannah said...

Ballet flats? Yes. Granny Panties? Hells no. You're in your 30's not your 80's.

And the ants, that's just nasty. bleeehhcchhh. so sorry.

geekhiker said...

Your pox may not be contagious, but I think your ants are. Found a few scouts in the house tonight...

Wow, that was awkward said...

I like how you are pretending your friend bought you the thong. That is cute.

Big Sister said...

Lets pull up Laura's dress at the wedding and see if she's telling the truth about the granny panties.

Serves you right for having sleazy thongs. Be glad I don't live there - I would have made a sign - "Melissa Angel - you forgot something"....

Dingo said...

You repaired a $7 flip flop? I hope all you used was superglue because anything more would've not been a good return on your investment.

laura said...

Big Sister...if you pull up my dress all you will see are Spanx...yes...there it is...i admitted it.

Mandy's Kidding said...

"A friend?"

Yeah right. None of us are buying it.

Mel Heth said...

Hannah - It is nasty isn't it! I just realized my last post was about cockroaches...I guess I need to change up topics!

Geekhiker - Don't let them get into any of your thongs... :P

WowTWA - If I had purchased the thong, it would've said "Devil" across the front.

Sister - Thankfully, whomever found the underwear could've thought it belonged to me or my other neighbor who is also young. I can't wait to see Laura's spanx on the dance floor.

Dingo - If you knew how long it took me to find the perfect flip-flop, you'd understand. And yes, I did use crazy glue!

Laura - I thought for sure you'd be going commando at the wedding.

Mandy - Honest! She was a friend I worked with who knew I was dating my boss - so she bought the panties for my birthday or Christmas or something.

someones mom said...

ok cousins,
Of course you girls know to wear your granny panties under the spanx. and to think I was worried about the damn white pumpkins!

Emily said...

My favorite part was when you talked about getting the Trader Joe's frozen panna cotta. Mmmmm...almost as good as the semifredo from a few posts back...

Anonymous said...

Now don't be putting me in the granny panty lineup - I wear BIG
MAMMA panties! And proud of it!
I've gone from the "sphanx" to the body glove bodysuit.

PoopyPants said...

Weren't they BIG, GIANT MAMMA panties??

Mel Heth said...

"Someone's Mom"/Cousin - Wait, you're supposed to wear panties under spanx? I thought they WERE panties?

Ems - You must try the panna cotta! Mr. W and I liked it very much.

Mother - What are "sphanx"? Is that a cross between the girdle underwear and the sphinx?

Poopy - Yes, don't forget the GIANT. Very important.

laura said...

wow...this post wins the prize for generating the most comments. even pam figured out how to post a comment for this one. hilarious.

Sizzle said...

Now that's a whole new meaning of "ants in your pant(ie)s"- ha ha EWWWWWWWW.

Ants are so annoying. I had a scuffle with them last month. Grrr!