Wednesday, October 21, 2009

A Work of Art?

For many years now, I have jokingly referred to my face as a Picasso. My eyes aren’t level. My lips are too thin. Nose is crooked. Teeth are way off center. Nothing is quite in the right spot. (And don’t even get me started on my ears…one is literally a quarter inch higher than the other.)

Usually when I make the Picasso joke, Mr. Wonderful shushes me. I’m sure this is just because he doesn’t want his taste in women questioned…

Anyway, back to my teeth. I have effed up teeth. The first one I ever lost as a kid was a molar. I have a baby tooth still hanging in there on one side. And when my parents took me to the orthodontist in 5th grade, they said if they gave me braces, my teeth might fall out. Apparently I have scrawny roots that wouldn’t hold if the teeth attached to them shifted too much. So I had retainers for 5 years. And now I have a little Tom Cruise off-center midline. Most people don’t pay attention to it. And I’ve come to love all my “artistic” flaws, so I don’t mind it much.

However, last week after his dental appointment, Mr. W and I began discussing and investigating each others’ teeth. I noticed for the first time ever that his bottom ones are a little crooked like mine. Cute. Then he started examining my midline and as I tried to explain that I was actually missing two teeth on one side (which might really only be one tooth because the permanent resident baby tooth accounts for the other), he bugged out his eyes and slowly recoiled, pointing his finger at my poor little chicken-lipped mouth moaning, “Exxxtraaa toooooth!”

It was as though he discovered an extra toe. Or an undeveloped tail. Or the severed limbs of my ex-boyfriend in my mouth.

“I’m just missing some on the other side!” I tried to set him straight.

I couldn’t believe the horror in his voice and his inability to get out more than two words to describe the atrocity he was viewing at that moment. It made me want to chase him, shoving my disproportionate chompers in his face, yelling “Eat you! Eat you! Eat you!.”

I was thinking about dressing up as something scary for Halloween. But apparently I’m creepy enough without a costume. And here I was just thinking I was a one-of-a-kind work of art…

16 comments:

Jane Moneypenny said...

Ah, part of love is loving everything about the person, weird included. :P Or maybe just being able to live with it b/c that person is just that awesome. Just think of it as you're his own personal Picasso!

I mean, my left boob is smaller than my right boob. :P

Mel Heth said...

Jane - You're such a dear. My left one is the bigger one. ;)

MrW said...

You are my pumpkin picasso.

laura said...

mine are the exact same size. :)

oh...but back to you...you're beautiful, and Mr w is lucky to have you.

Anonymous said...

You are beautiful, and differences
is what makes a person unique. Besides, beauty comes from within.
No one is perfect - so enjoy the beautiful qualities that everyone else sees in you - and quit looking so close in the mirror.

Big Sister said...

Has he said anything about your third nipple yet?

Big Sister said...

PS - Laura - you show off! We're going to check that out at the wedding along with your spanx.

Wow, that was awkward said...

You are the hottest freaky toothed gal ever!

Danielle said...

I'll second Akward!

Sizzle said...

I am pretty sure he isn't shushing you because he doesn't want his taste in women questioned. ;-) I have one eyebrow that is significantly more arched than the other and one part of one ear that is flattened. We all have these quirks which make us uniquely beautiful.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So long as the eye isn't crooked, smaller than the other and doesn't need glasses. =)

I'm missing 2 molars on one side of my mouth. Never had them. They don't exist. I once had a dentist question me about what happened. They all do, so it wasn't all that surprising. Until I realized his tone was suggesting maybe my teeth were beaten out of me. That was a first for me.

geekhiker said...

Ugh, I don't even want to know how many flaws in my face people see!

LaraBoBara said...

STOP IT. You are beautiful, dammit.

This is all a bit reminiscent of the time my husband told me he thinks my mole (on my neck, which I kind of love and think of as a "beauty mark") looks like a tick.

Mel Heth said...

MrW - Like a scary Halloween pumpkin? With crooked carved teeth?

Laura - Cheater!

Mom - Maybe if Dad didn't call me Chicken Lips and Spear Foot as a child I'd think I was beautiful. Just kidding, I like those nicknames.

Sister - The one on my forehead?

Wow TWA - You haven't met me in person yet, please hold your commentary.

Danielle - I'll second my comment to Awkward.

Sizzle - Oh whatever - your eyebrows and eyes are so mesmerizing no one would ever notice any type of arch inconsistency!

Nilsa - I love you for having missing teeth! You seriously made my day.

Geekhiker - Boys faces can be all jacked up and they're still considered attractive. You have NOTHING to worry about. You looked very well aligned when I met you. :)

LaraBoBara - That made me laugh out loud. Your hubby is kinda funny, even though he's totally dead wrong and I'm sure that mole is gorgeous.

Jane Moneypenny said...

Er, clearly I'm an idiot. My left one is bigger too! That seems to be the common thing.

thecoconutdiaries said...

My bottom teeth always bother me so I Invisaligned those suckers straight--which revealed that my tops were crooked too. Oh vey! Now I see why dentists are always smiling. They have some job-freaking-security!