Wednesday, February 3, 2010

A Logistical Standstill

I feel like I’m stuck at a relationship rest stop. Sure, it happens to be off a nice mountain road with pretty views and clean bathrooms, but it’s not my destination. It’s not even like the lovely picnic grounds before the ultimate destination. It’s a rest stop. And I’m getting antsy here.

I don’t know if I’ve written it on this blog yet, but Mr. Wonderful and I started talking about moving in together back in November. Now, being a girl and all, this shot my mind forward like a domestic cannonball—sailing my thoughts through pockets of home décor and homecooked meals and alone togetherness. It was the step forward I had been waiting for.

On the subject of waiting, lets just recap here and remember that I had to wait 7 months for an I love you, a year for a meet-the-family trip and many, many weeks and months throughout 2009 to even spend time with Mr. W. I know, I know, that should make me incredibly grateful just to have him back in the country, right? Well it does. But it’s not always enough to make me sit still and ignore the trajectory I’m yearning for. I’m growing oh so tired of waiting.

(Note to Self: This is a life lesson because I hate waiting. I’m a snap decision-maker and these continual stints in limbo are great immersion therapy for me. Whatever.)

A few nights ago, Mr. W and I were again discussing the possibility of a move-in when he began breaking down all the logistics involved. He has a roommate, so this isn’t as simple as me packing up my apartment and renting a U-Haul. There are financial issues, personal issues, and a whole lot of sticky red tape precluding anything from happening fast.

I said, “So are we looking at like 9 months here?”

And he said maybe.

This isn’t what I had planned out in my head when the subject first came up. Particularly because a year from now, Mr. W could end up working on another movie in a foreign country. So it’d be great to actually have some living time with him here. Now.

Being me, I made another snap decision and said, “Maybe I should just buy a condo then.”

And being Mr. W, he said something like, “That’s not going to solve anything. These things just take time.”

Why oh why is it so hard for me to forge a harmonious relationship with the clock and calendar? I really wish that I was the kind of person who didn’t mind the wait. But instead I feel like I’m going to rupture my spleen over this.

I bought a book by the Dalai Lama (or Rama, as my mother calls him) about the Buddhist perspective on patience. I’ve been reading it every night before bed. So far, I don’t think it’s working…


laura said...

Dali Rama? She does not call him that!!!! Too funny.

Oh, and don't expect any advice from me on patience. I have NONE. When I make up my mind, I want it done.

But good luck with it. :)

SoMi's Nilsa said...

This is hard. Mr. W is right when he says buying your own place won't solve anything. But, you have every right to not want to wait another 9 months.

Relationships are all about compromise, right? Some might argue there's a compromise in here ... you wait a little longer, but Mr. W agrees to shorten the timeline to, say, summertime.

On the other hand, some people would say that it's compromise over the course of the relationship. So, if you "give" Mr. W. his time to sort things out before co-habitation, there will be a time in the future (or past?) where he comes over to your side 100%.

It's up to you to figure out what's the right answer for you. I know it's not easy. I wish I could do something to help.

Mike129 said...

There is some data (allegedly) to indicate that the male of the species is a bit skittish when it comes to life-changing commitment stuff. Try not to make any abrupt moves or he may bolt.

The only way I was able to learn any patience is as a result of the pain caused me by not having any. Perhaps I am more a "stick" learner than a "carrot" learner.

Rachel said...

I feel like I'll sound too blunt here so maybe you don't want my advice, but you're posting, right? LOL. Well - my apologies in advance but I gotta shoot straight. I think you can appreciate that. I am of the opinion that if the guy wants to move in with you and take your relationship to the next level then he would have done it already or would jump at the chance to do it when you mention it. Further, if you find yourself having to wait for him for everything, you two are clearly not on the same page and you expect more from the relationship than he is willing to give. You need to view the relationship with clear lenses, not rose colored ones and keep it real. It sounds a lot like he holds the control in the relationship and you're stuck waiting for what you want. It's not fair to you or him.

I don't want to see you not get what you want and deserve. :)

Anonymous said...

I've never commented before but have been following your blog for a while. I feel compelled to comment this time because your situation is eerily reminiscent of my most relationship that ended, officially, a month ago, and unofficially, a couple months ago.

Rachel already said everything I wanted to say so I am not going to reinvent the wheel. I don't know enough about your relationship dynamic to make a snap judgment or give you any constructive advice, but I just want to say that if a guy needs to wait 9 MONTHS to just MOVE IN AND LIVE TOGETHER, when in hell will he ever propose to you?! Forgive my bluntness, but I agree with Rachel that you deserve someone that wants to "jump at the chance" to be with you, not keeping you waiting and frustrated.

Men, why can't they just make up their mind?

Sorry, I am bitter :-) I do hope things work out between you two (heck, I hope he is planning to surprise you by proposing on V-Day!), but a relationship is a two-way street, and it can't always be on HIS TERMS.

Mel Heth said...

Laura - I will have to reenact the Dalai Rama story for you on Saturday. You'll love it. Thanks for the luck wishes.

Nilsa - It's tough (as we discussed :) because the logistics are somewhat out of his control. But yes, I think a compromise conversation may be in our future.

Mike129 - Hahaha! Yes, I think I've heard something about that data, too.

Rachel - I don't feel like we are on different pages, maybe just different paragraphs. Like I explained, there are other logistics here - including another person in the living situation - so that complicates things. I love this guy and am willing to wait - because I know I will be waiting for a lifetime of true happiness. It's just that I'm a girl and sometimes I get impatient.

When he took a long time to say I love you, I reminded myself that someday he would say it all the time and that I should enjoy this strange, excited, anticipatory state. And you know what? I was right. Maybe I need to take another dose of my own medicine and remember that some day I could be tired of living with him :P so I should enjoy these months leading up to it while I can.

Anonymous - I hear what you're saying. I would probably dole out similar advice to my girlfriends. But the thing is, this guy is incredible. He is absolutely worth every wait I've had to endure in the past, so I know he's worth this one too. I just hit walls of frustration now and again because I'm an instant gratification addict.

How does the old saying go - "Good things come to those who wait"? I believe it. Thus, the Dalai Lama book.

LesleyG said...

I struggle with patience, too, as well as with being quick to discipline myself when I'm lacking it. But I also think we can find a balance between knowing what we really want and being willing to wait for it and knowing what we really want and ignoring the fact that it's not going to happen.

It sounds to me like you're the former, but it the meantime he'd better think you're just as wonderful as you think he is. :)

Anita said...

Mel - As you know, I'm an absolute believer in "Good things come to those who wait" since I'm living proof. I think you're doing the right thing by trying to be as patient as you can, going as far as reading the Dalai Lama's book to get you some strength.

While I see Rachel and Anonymous have logical advice with good intentions, I totally see what you mean by him being so incredible that it's worth the wait. Just keep thinking that and one day, you will likely look back at this predicament you're in and laugh.


Mel Heth said...

Lesley - I'm totally willing to wait. And when I'm with him, it's a no brainer - he's worth it. But I'm a girl and I like instant gratification, so it's tough sometimes.

Anita - I seriously love you. You are the exact case I need to think of during this. Thank you for reading and for reminding me that things work out.

Anonymous said...

Have you ever read or seen the movie, "he's just not that into you?" Be careful and think about it.

Mel Heth said...

Anonymous - Yes, I own the book and the DVD actually. And even though the Aniston/Affleck storyline gave lots of women hope in the movie, I thought it contradicted the book. However, I also feel quite certain that I'm not in the shoes of Aniston here. A slow mover doesn't necessarily translate to a non-mover. I'm just not at the place where I want to throw an ultimatum out on the table to try to get my way.

Sassy said...

Hmmmm ... you need instant gratification (it's really a woman's disease that ... I buy shoes and clothes but my circumstances are a little different to yours ;-0)... buy a killer outfit and drop dead gorgeous shoes ... and since you know he's worth it ... do your level best to practise patience ... and here's wishing you loads and loads of happiness!!!

Danielle said...

I am the exact same way as you and it has biten me in the ass way too many times. I think that waiting helps you build real and healthy, not fast and unsure. So I agree with the "good things come to those who wait". Now I need to remember that next time I get involved.
But saying that, if you need some help learning patience, have a kid! :)

Dingo said...

Rachel has said many of the things I would have said. I also want to say that while you may "wait" for him, you shouldn't put your life on hold. Buy a condo if you want to really buy a condo but not if it's because you want to force him into a decision. If sometime down the road, after you've purchased a condo, you two decide to move in together, well, that will be something you work out then. But live your life and make decisions that are best for YOU until you are BOTH thinking about what's best for "us".

And waiting sucks. It just sucks.

brookem said...

i really feel for you on this one, because like you, i like things right away, when i want them, and im not good with patience. it's hard, because i KNOW how great mr. wonderful is, so you want the rest of your lives to start NOW. and the thing is, it's not as though that good stuff has to wait. i totally understand how it can be tricky working around roommates and logistics and stuff like that. manfriend and i have been working around that as well. what matters the most here, is that you know in your heart that this wait is going to be WORTH IT. you know he's the one. everything will fall into place, i think what's important is to just remain open and honest about your feelings around the whole thing too.

Sizzle said...

I'd feel frustrated too but we're alike in our impatience. I'd probably go so far as to think that my partner didn't really want to live with me because he wasn't making any moves towards it. Sure fire way to fuel doubt with me is to dilly dally since I am impetuous. But! I am working on these things in therapy. Maybe I need to read that patience book too?

It is hard when circumstances prevent us from what we want RIGHT THIS INSTANT but there is usually a reason why the Universe is keeping that particular pace. It's just hard to trust it, isn't it?

Mel Heth said...

Sassy - I love it! Thanks for the positivity boost.

Danielle - I always think about that - how maybe if I have kids some day I'll become a patient person. :) I know this is a valuable and necessary lesson...just a hard one to learn!

Dingo - It's tough because he DOES want to move in...there are just things that are out of both of our control. And I'd rather force myself to wait it out than buy a condo and then be ready to move in with him 6 months later.

Brookem - Thank you. :) I may have to ask you for more details on your and ManFriend's move-in.

Sizzle - Is it an Aries thing? ;) I like your idea that there's a reason the Universe is keeping things slow. I fully believe that there was a reason in the beginning of our relationship - and compared to those past situations where I rushed in, this affair has been an absolute dream. So I guess I need to just chill and go with the Universe's flow...

Mandy's Kidding said...

Hmm. This is a tricky one because I've been there myself. Waiting is terrible. Waiting is torture. I'm torn between agreeing with Rachel and some of the others, and between saying that this really has nothing to do with him at all and everything to do with you.

It's all in your mind.

The Dalai Rama would agree with me. If you can gain control over your own mind, you will control your world, your life, your happiness.


Finding that inner happiness and finally learning to be okay with not living together, not being married -- but being together -- indefinitely (even forever?) -- that would be the thing. The thing, the big secret, the answer to how to end all suffering!

Or maybe it would be realizing that you want something more, something he can't give, and being okay with walking away?

Either way, the mind has to be at peace with whatever reality you're currently living in.

Oh, but how to tame that wayward mind? It wants what it wants.

The thing is about this sort of monkey mind (and I have one, so I speak from experience) is that it is always going to be something. First it'll be a monogamous relationship. Then living together. Then marriage. Then baby. Then bigger house. Or better job. Or more time for leisure activities. Whatever it might be, monkey mind will find something to grasp at and be dissatisfied with.

So train that monkey mind first, deal with the boyfriend later. (And when you figure out how to do that, email me specific instructions on how to do so, thank you.)

Anonymous said...

Oh, for goodness sake, just buy a ring and propose to the guy already, will ya? Sheesh. ;)