Monday, February 8, 2010

Super Bruise Sunday


I’m not a sports fan, but yesterday when Mr. Wonderful’s roommate’s girlfriend (got that?) invited us over for a little Super Bowl party, we gladly accepted. As always, she was a gracious host—cooking burgers for us, filling wine glasses, teaching us to pole dance.

Let me back up before I get to that story…

Shortly after we arrived to the party, Mr. W’s roommate started complaining about how he didn’t have a “special name” on my blog. He said he liked to consider himself part of the ensemble cast of my life, and that, as such, he deserved a character name like Mr. W.

So today I will give him that. Because he is an artist who regularly has giant canvases around the house with half naked women on them, I will name the roommate “Dirty Painter.” And because his girlfriend is the most adorable, sweet little Disney princess of a girl, her name from here on out will be “Southern Belle.”

Southern Belle took lots of dance lessons as a child and has the natural grace of a ballerina. A couple years ago, she decided to spin her dance abilities into something new, signing up for pole dancing classes. Now, they say anyone can be trained to pole-perform, but I think it takes someone with extensive skill and coordination like SB.

Anywhoo, being the awesome girlfriend she is, she went out and purchased a pole that could be erected in her living room for Dirty Painter to enjoy. When Mr. W and I walked into her place last night, we nearly ran into it—it’s right inside the front door, just as any good, serious pole should be.

Of course, I wanted to see the thing being used, so at some point during the football game, we all wandered into the living room for a demonstration. I think she went first, cascading down and around that metal shaft like a rose petal falling from its bud. Dirty Painter jumped on the pole next and not only maneuvered quite impressively around it, but landed on the floor with one hand on his head, striking a pose that sent all of us into hysterics. Mr. W, of course, wouldn’t touch the pole with a ten-foot pole…

After shooing the boys out of the room, SB gave her own roommate (oh sheesh, I guess I have to think of name for her too, now…) and me a quick tutorial on how to do some simple moves. She made it look so easy. She was controlled and graceful—toes pointed the entire time, hair fanning out around her, perfect landings that would have earned lots of dollar bills in the real world. Her roommate went next, and she too did an excellent job.

And then it was my turn.

Apparently my brain is incapable of making one leg go one direction and the other go another. I could get the first leg tucked safely around the pole, but when I started so swing down around it, the other leg flung forward and smacked the metal shin-first. Ow. Bruise. I tried again. Same spot, this time more tender.

Before we left, I invited Mr. W to come watch my ape-like grace in action. He, Southern Belle, and SB’s roommate watched on with hopeful expressions as I jumped and spun—wacking my leg harder than ever against the pole. I crumpled to the ground and, when I looked down at my shin bone, saw the big old goose egg pictured above.

Me and my raised bruise? We’re dead sexah.

15 comments:

Mr. W said...

Yes, that's my girl.

Anonymous said...

Mom says "Don't ever make fun of me again"!
I actually just saw on TV last week a gym that has it all from workouts, kick boxing and pole dancing.
At least when I fall down; it's not from a pole dance!

Mel Heth said...

Mr. W - Since pole dancing is definitely out for me, maybe I can try to master the art of sexy yoga or strip jogging for you.

Mom - I'm not sure that 'falling down by accident while walking' is actually better than hurting oneself while attempting a new...sport.

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

And *this* is why I'm going to like Mr. W when I meet him one day ... because we're both smart enough to know when to say when. hahaha.

Mike129 said...

You invited people to watch you?!? You *are* brave!

And if anyone can make a raised bruise look dead sexah, I figure it is you.

brookem said...

ha! that's hands down something that would happen to me. at least you tried!
(i like that mr. w commented!)

Mel Heth said...

Nilsa - When we do meet, I may have to organize some drinking and pole dancing, just so we're all on level ground. :P

Mike129 - The bruise was a whole lot sexier than the dance was!

Brookem - Yes, at least I tried. I guess I can cross that off my list. :) Although Southern Belle is a bit determined to help me get better, I think.

Danielle said...

Hmm, pole dancing, that is one umm sport that I have never tried. But good for you for giving it a shot and then telling the world! :)
Actually, I love it!

Sizzle said...

I bruise easily AND am a klutz. Bad combo. I feel you sister.

laura said...

That's great! And your mom is right...at least she has never fallen off a pole (thank god!)...but she did manage to fall into a pool filter, which I don't believe you had done yet.

geekhiker said...

Wait, what about the bruise? Doesn't it get a nickname too?

Big Sister said...

You are currently winning the "just like mom" contest. Dad said that mom has never bruised herself on their pole.

And....If Dirty Painter's sexy Southern Belle has a pole in her house, why the hell does he want to live with Mr. W?

Anonymous said...

Southern Belle: (thanks for the name lady I can't believe you gave us one) DUDE! She was good. She was up in the top 2 first time pole swinging girls I've ever seen.

Don't listen to her I tell ya! She's got moves!

blakspring said...

that bruise looks like it has it's own bruise with it's own bruise, like those russian dolls. still, sounds like you don't regret it. i've been meaning to try one of those classes. maybe with shin guards...

Mermanda said...

"ape-like grace" sounds like someone I know. Me.