Friday, June 11, 2010

Pressure's Not Invited to This Party

Last weekend, Mr. W and I were sitting on the highest terrace in his backyard, drinking some nice Santa Ynez chardonnay and eating several varieties of cheese when I let the alcohol get the best of me and decided to pick his brain. Just for a minute...

" you know how you're going to do it when you actually do it?" I asked with my biggest, sweetest doe eyes.

Readers, you totally know what I'm talking about here...

He took a gulp of wine and said, "Every time I start to think about a plan I feel so pressured. It has to be perfect."

"Who says it has to be perfect?"

"People. Everyone. It's this huge thing and you have to come up with the perfect way of asking because everyone's going to want to know 'how did he ask you'."

I felt terrible. That's a lot of pressure to be carrying around. And really—who made these rules? Who ARE these people that judge proposals and children's birthday parties and wedding receptions—oozing their opinions all over the place when it really all has nothing to do with them?

"Love, I could care less how you ask me. All that matters is that you do. And sooner would be better than later." Couldn't help myself on that last part.

"But everyone will be talking about how I did it and whether I did enough or did it right," he said defeated.

"Cupcake, my dad proposed to my mom in the bathroom. Not like while she was on the toilet or anything, but just randomly while she was getting ready to go out to dinner or something. And I love that story and I would be happy if you asked me in the exact same way—or any way at all. Just not when I look really ugly, like in the morning or anything..."

I should also note here that my sister wore a plastic zip-tie on her finger for a month while she waited for her ring to be made. We're pretty low maintenance gals in my family...albeit low maintenance gals who want husbands...

Mr. W and I talked a bit more, but I felt that the best way to get through to him on this topic would be with a little poetry. So the next day, I sent him this:

It's about you and me,
Leave the other opinions be,
It's not their memory
Of you on one bended knee.

What matters is us two;
Our promise to say "I do,"
No need for something new,
All I want's a sweet "Will you?"

Stop the pressure cooker fight;
No more worrying about who's right;
Put an end to my plight;
Come on, give me the greenlight!

Tonight I will go home and read my Dalai Lama book on patience...


Wow, that was awkward said...

Seriously! Tell him to ask already so you can write about something else! :)

Mel Heth said...

WowTWA - Yeah, you might as well just take a hiatus from my blog because once he finally does ask me, I'll probably be writing every post about the wedding planning...

Anonymous said...

When two people are in love and ready to marry, the proposal is perfect no matter how it is done.
It's just the act of proposing that matters; just like the size of the diamond doesn't matter.
And besides, sometimes, maybe the proposal is a secret between the two lovers.

blakspring said...

it's so interesting that guys feel a pressure about this. i would have never thought that this would be a reason for procrastination. you handled it so well. seriously, no one will be talking about it other than the two of you because everyone is so wrapped up in their own drama. mainly, everyone will just be happy for you guys :)

LesleyG said...

I think it can be easy to forget how much pressure the guy might be putting on himself. Dumb society "rules" and the silly people who put too much weight behind it. Me thinks these are the same people that spend too much time thinking about the wedding and not near enough thinking about the marriage.
Yes, I love sweeping generalizations. I do.

Sizzle said...

Mr. Darcy has alluded to feeling that same pressure. I am with you- I do not need sone big overture or grand, dramatic gesture. The story will be yours and it will be sweet and lovely. I am sure any day now we will be reading it! The moment you get to a place of peace about it, it will happen I bet. The Universe is tricky like that.

dingo said...

Does Mr. W still read your blog? Because, um, pressure!

Danielle said...

I agree, it isn't about the how! I am sure that what ever he decides on will be the best, most memorable moment for you.

Awkward- This is coming from someone that blogged about a dead lady for at least 3 months!! *Grins*

brookem said...

i feel bad that men feel this pressure. but sometimes, secretly, i dont REALLY mind, because this is the ONE thing that men have to plan. when you're a notorious planner and sometimes need a break from it, (like me, ahem), knowing this one is totally out of your hands can be both thrilling (and scary!). but im in agreement with you, it doesnt need to be what anyone else says it needs to be. your story will be perfect because it's yours. i can't wait to read about it one day. :)

Natalie said...

that poem is too cute! it's too bad YOU just can't ask him :) whenever he does it it's going to be awesome and i can't wait to read about it!

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

I love this poem. I hope he smiles instead of feeling even more pressure!

Of all my friends who have gotten engaged over the years, I think the best and sweetest proposals are the simple ones. As you already said, it's not about the pomp and circumstance, it's about two people sharing a moment with a promise to share their lives.

Rachel said...

okay - if you don't care how then why ask him how he's going to? iyou're giving him two different messages you goof!! lol. Girl - I swear - stop talking about it and it will happen the minute you let up! Watch and see....

Anonymous said...

LOL - why do I suspect that if he reads this entry, it's just going to ADD to the pressure? :)

Mel Heth said...

Anonymous - You're just saying this because Dad proposed to you in the bathroom.

Blakspring - It is really sad that there's pressure around this - because it doesn't matter what "the story" is. It just matters that it happens!

Lesley - It's absolutely those kind of people - the reality TV people who always have to outdo each other - but are hollow on the inside.

Sizzle - I'm glad to know W isn't alone on this one. It's hard to get to a place of peace when you know something is coming and you don't know when! But I'll try to be more zen-ny. :)

Dingo - He only reads it when instructed. :) And he already read the poem and liked it - so I think we're ok.

Danielle - I know - I need to remind myself to enjoy these "waiting" moments because I'll never get them back. I need to be present in the anticipation and excitement. Thanks for putting Wow in his place. ;)

Brookem - You crack me up! I never thought about the fact that this is the one thing they have to do. Well, I still want Mr. W to keep it low key and easy.

Natalie - Thank you! :) Hopefully I'll be writing that post soon!

Nilsa - Thanks :) He liked it too. I'm with you - simple is always sweet. I'd die if I ever got a jumbo-tron proposal.

Rachel - Can you come over and tape my mouth shut when you teach me how to alternate-nostril breathe? :P

Geekhiker - Don't worry, he won't read it. He knows better than to venture on here without my coaxing!