Sunday, January 30, 2011

Moments of Focus Amidst the Blur

This process is a strange one. A whirlwind of activity. A torrent of planning. All leading to a one-day performance of a well-rehearsed show. That makes it sound disingenuous , but somehow it feels pretty authentic. It's a production, but it's one into which you're injecting your desires and personality and preferences.

There are plenty of days that you're so mired in the to-dos, you lose track of what you're even to-doing. You find yourself mindlessly pressing a stamp into gold ink. Tap. Hit paper. Repeat. You find yourself swimming in a sea of dish towels and cheese platters and ribbons you can't break during the un-wrap because they'll represent the babies you're supposed to have. You'll smile and say thank you to the avalanche of well wishes. You're not used to being in this position—there at the center with all eyes upon you. You do better as the one-liner sarcastic-remarker a the back of the room. The guest of honor isn't a role you've played in the past.

And in your unfamiliarity with the situation, everything will start to blur.

It'll come at you faster and faster until you've 48 days to go and you can't seem to keep the dishes clean because you keep getting new ones that need to be washed. Every weekend will include the smashing of boxes and discard of tissue.

But every now and then, you'll catch yourself in a moment and time will stop. The blur will sharpen and you'll remember what awaits you.

Driving in your car, you'll hear a disco song and your mind will wander to an image of yourself wearing the gorgeous gown, dancing on a parquet floor. You picture your nieces gathered around you, taking turns holding your hand, spinning, grinning from ear to ear. And suddenly, there in your car, you'll be crying. Sobbing in sweet anticipation of what's to come.

Or maybe you'll be buried under mounds of cards with veils and blenders on them. Thoughtful messages from caring women in your life. Wrapping paper and torn envelopes will surround your sandaled feet. And you'll get to a particular gift from your mom. A poem attached to a handkerchief with a small angel charm sewn to it. A message from your two grandmas who are no longer with you. A message channeled through your mom that could have been written by these two women as if they were sitting at the kitchen table all together. It'll stop you dead in your tracks. It'll fill you with love and longing. Gratitude for what you had in them and what you will have in 48 days with your new husband. And you'll wish so much that you could talk to them and see the joy in their faces during this time. But you'll feel them. And you'll know that when you dab your eyes on that day with that hanky, it'll be their hands wiping your face clean.

Things will continue to go in and out of focus. Surely, even after every single to-do has been done and every scene perfectly rehearsed, it will still feel like a blur. But those moments when the fog clears and the feelings are crisp—those are what will make it all worthwhile. Those are what will define this time.


Somone's mom said...

that's what Mom's live for... to clear away the blur in our children's life. One simple gift from the heart made with love and touched with what we know our Mothers would say to a special granddaughter. You have a great family supporting you and Mr.W in your life-long love.
may your path of life be smooth with just a few small bumps in the road.

Sizzle said...

I hope you get to have more moments of clarity than blur, especially on that big day.

What a sweet gift from your mom. The sentimental ones are the best.

mom said...

Mom, is seeing a blur reading this blog and the message from "someone's mom" who understands all that I feel. I feel that I have the ability to send your grandma's love and best wishes through words and
sentimental treasures. I am happy it meant so much to you. It far surpasses any $ amount I could have spent.
Gifts and words from the heart are what really count.
Just know they will be with you all the way in spirit.
And they will enjoy the wine too!
Love you.

laura said...

Awww...that was great. I even got choked up and I am not much of a crier (not even sure if I know how to spell it). Your mom is always so thoughtful...I'm glad she was able to do that for you.

P.S. I think "someone's mom" might be my mom??? I'll have to ask her. :)

Big Sister said...

That was very sweet. I think I was a little too caught up in being the hostess, making sure the blurry day was going well for everyone, that I didn't get to share in that sentimental moment with my whole heart. This was a good way to relive it, and miss our amazing Grandmas who would be so happy for you, and just love Mr. W. I hope you can have more of those moments through the next 48 days, instead of the blurry ones, worrying about all the details that will also be a blur someday. The thing that won't be a blur is that you found the perfect man for you, and you were surrounded by your family and friends who love you on that special day.

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

Not to rush you or put pressure on you, but take the feelings you're having now and hit the accelerator button and that's what having a child is like. Only, there is no end-date ... it's forever! Such a happy, busy, blurred time. xoxo

MagMc said...

Dabbing my eyes along with the others here...
Such precious thoughts so well said. It's so wonderful to relive all the wedding wonder-craze through you... Thank you for reminding me of all the joy! Every wedding you attend from here on out will do the same for you... What a nice thing to look forward to, huh? Enjoy! Revel! Grin.

Danielle said...

Great writing! I feel your emotion in your words! Your going to do just fine, blur and all!

blakspring said...

that was so beautiful! hugs :)