Thursday, February 17, 2011

Be Gone Demons!

One Halloween when I was working at the coffeehouse in college, my fellow barista and I decided to dress up as an angel and devil for our morning shift. She spiked her short hair into two horns and wore a sassy red dress. I went for a disco look with a silver slipdress, wings and a glittery halo. Knowing how much our regular customers enjoyed our theatrics, we were really hamming it up that day. At one point, I tried to channel the famous quote from SNL's the Church Lady, and I shouted:

"Circumcise the demons!"

Yes, that's what I said. It took me a minute to realize I'd gotten the wrong "cise," in my oh-so-loud declaration. I should have said, "Exorcise the demons." But alas I yelled about penis surgery in front of all my customers. Then I ran into the kitchen and hid while laughing hysterically.

But that story isn't the point of this post.

The focus of this one is that I have an exorcism-warranting situation going on in my house.

Since I moved into the beautiful mid-century Hollywood Hills house I love, (I'm kissing up, Universe, do you hear that?) it has literally been one thing after another. First the roof leaked (even though it had NEVER done that before) on my grandmother's dining room table. Then the garage leaked onto her chairs I was storing there. The Internet also broke one night and Mr. W had to stay up until 1 a.m. to fix it so I could work from home the next day.

After Mr. W left for London, sh*t really started going down. The sprinklers wouldn't shut off. Then that pipe burst, warping the floors, infusing the house with wet wood stench, causing me to have to sleep with a loud fan outside my bedroom door for an entire week. Oh and we can't forget how Mr. W's bathroom cupboard door came off in my hand during the flood cleanup.

Monday morning when they came to take away the fan, I was overjoyed—finally everything was calm and I could exhale. And then I found gooey stuff in the freezer Tuesday. An entire pint of lemon sorbet had liquified. The freezer was broken! I was in the process of making a gorgeous BBQ chicken pizza when I discovered this issue, and when I went to pull the pizza stone out of the oven it cracked in half and my pizza fell upside-down on the oven door. I wanted to punch the frigging house in the face. And of course, I had JUST run the cleaning cycle on the oven two days prior.

I am now convinced that the house is either throwing a fit because it doesn't want a female in it, or I'm putting out so much nervous energy I'm short circuiting everything around me.

Mr. W ordered a repairman for the freezer (all the way from London while I was sleeping because he's sweet like that). I'm hoping he shows up with a Bible and shouts, "The Power of Christ Compels You!" a few times at the back of the fridge.

Just to be extra safe, I'm going to burn some sage in the house this weekend, though...

15 comments:

Jane Moneypenny said...

Bwhaha, I'm laughing b/c like I mentioned before, my pipes burst when yours did. And then I found a hole in my garage ceiling and then the toilet bowl doesn't fill and then the chimney cleaners found the chimney was broken. And I don't even own this place.

Power on, sister! I'm with you every step of the way.

hunnerwoof said...

The way this story started, I thought you were going to tell about the time you found a fireman's radio and broke all sorts of laws and FCC rules and completely embarrassed your brother. But, I guess we won't go there.

Sizzle said...

You could also just circumcise the house's penis.

;-)

This is a lot of things going wrong. Maybe the Universe is testing you? If so, it can stop at any time because you have dealt with enough!

Mandy's Kidding said...

So basically you've moved into Christine The House.

Mandy's Kidding said...

Christine The House wants Mr. Wonderful all to herself.

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

I think your house is just getting the bad stuff out of its system in preparation for a happily married life. =)

LesleyG said...

Circumcise the house!

It might work. :)

Hopefully it's just getting the kinks out for when you two settle into regular ol' life.

Mel Heth said...

Jane - Dude! I can't believe all that stuff happened to you! Seriously, I think we could get a bulk rate with a professional curse-remover.

Hunnerwoof - Yeah that's another story. And a good one. Anytime I can embarrass Michael is a fine time by me.

Sizzle - Hahahaha! I'm sure the Universe is saying "chill out or I'm going to keep throwing shit your way!" I just need to realize I can't control anything and whatever's going to happen is going to happen.

Mandy - I think yes. I hope all the doors don't simultaneously lock one day and trap me in there.

Nilsa - I love it! I'm going to go with that. It's a pre-wedding cleansing. :)

Lesley - Crack me up! I just don't know what part to cut off... If I figure it out, I'll let you know. :P

Bridget said...

My grandparents built their first home in the Hollywood hills and I can see how those homes would come with some quirks. I hope it gets better soon!!!

Janice MacLeod said...

I had a ghost in the house once, honest to God. I just stood there in the midst of all the havoc and said, "This is MY house. This is not your house anymore. This is MY house!" Then I hid under the covers in my room. But the fire alarm never went off willy nilly again.

leafprobably said...

Perhaps you could also scatter salt? I hear they don't like that. The TV program Supernatural tells me that a salt ring around your appliances will solve almost any problem :)

Rach said...

last night my mom was telling me that she saw you.....and she was reminiscing and laughing about when you used to work at Higleys and you and the "other girl" (I dunno who) were so naughty and hysterical. Funny that you had just posted this. I never went in there but clearly I missed out on some laughs.

and yeah.....circumcise the house!

geekhiker said...

So, I take it that old "older places have charm" bit is wearing a little thin? :)

Jeff said...

Circumsize The Demons was a great band. Saw them at the Roxy back in '92.

blakspring said...

poltergeist!!! run for your life!!! or at least sublet...