Friday, February 25, 2011

No Ma'am

I wish I could remember the first time it happened. I'm sure that time was the most scarring. Maybe it's the increase in crow's feet around my eyes, or the engagement ring on my finger, or the frumpy sweaters I've been wearing this winter, but I seem to be getting called "ma'am" more and more often.

And I don't like it one bit.

Sure, I'm turning 35 in a couple months. But HUMOR ME people! "Ma'am" makes me feel like I'm 67. Grocery checkers and restaurant hosts and theater ushers would put smiles on so many more middle-aged women's faces if they would just refer to us all as "miss." Not so hard. But oh so very effective and endearing.

Mr. Wonderful knows how much I hate the word, so every now and then even he will give me a "no ma'am" answer when asked a question. I yell at him every time and he just smiles wickedly.

I'm sure there are people out there who appreciate being called ma'am. When Mr. W and I were in Arezzo, Italy, we listened to a British woman correct a sweet teenage Italian server because he called her "misses" instead of "ma'am." She was 108 years old, I think. You know who else probably appreciates being called ma'am? Trannies.

Speaking of which, I had my bachelorette party last weekend and about 20 of my friends headed to a transvestite bar in West Hollywood with me for dinner and drinks. The girls dressed me up as a disco bride—with "something blue" platform shoes, fake eyelashes, silver glitter eyeshadow, and of course a sparkly veil. As the night wore on and the drinks kept landing in my mouth and the trannies kept coercing brides-to-be onto the stage (there were 4 of us, apparently Hamburger Mary's is a popular spot for bachelorette parties) I added a pair of candy underwear to my getup. And yes, I let a gay man eat off the butt crack portion of them. Because I'll never have an opportunity like that again after I'm married.

There were some outrageous Ma'am Mans at the bar, singing for us.

One of my girlfriends was going to the bathroom and the lovely lady above was standing nearby. When my friend passed, she slipped on the bottom of the lady's satiny gown and took a digger that left her with a bruised knee. Maybe if she has said, "Excuse me, ma'am" beforehand, it wouldn't have happened.

I might need to do some research and head back to Hamburger Mary's to find out whether the "girls" there would rather be called "miss" or "ma'am." Miss is just so much more benign. I would use it all the time if I were working out in the public. It's irritating that men don't have a young man's versus old man's word for mister. I'm sure a bunch of men got together back in the days of developing Latin and decided to punish women by inventing a word to make them feel like aging hags...

But seriously, would you ever see the innocent, young girl below and call her "ma'am"?

I didn't think so.


Sizzle said...

That is a party outfit if ever there was one!

I remember there being a Hamburger Mary's in San Jose. I ate lunch there once. There were no drag queens. I feel gypped.

Glad you had fun! :-)

P.S. I don't like being called Ma'am either.

laura said...

Wow...the Blushing Bride in all her glory. LOVE THIS!!!! Glad you ladies had a great time!!! A tranny bar is WAY better than a strip club!

Mr. W. said...

Yes, Ma'am, I'll stop calling you Ma'am, Ma'am.

HunnerWoof said...

I have some additional pictures you could post. They just kept buzzing into my phone all evening. There was one I wasn't sure about, but now reading this, I know it's a tranny eating the butt crack out of your panties.

Keep it Klassy MelHeth!

Anonymous said...

Watch the first three minutes of Jann Karam. I think you'll agree with her about the whole "ma'am" thing.

Anonymous said...

I guess the link would help:

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

If I saw you walking down the street in that outfit, I'm pretty sure "ma'am" would be the last thing coming to mind. Love it!

blakspring said...

please post the butt crack picture. you know you want to!

Anonymous said...

No, my first thing I would say to the girl in the photo would most likely be "WTF is up with those shoes? You can't hike in those!" :D

Scribe said...

I was on vacation a few years ago and met a guy from Bristol who kept referring to me as the Canadian bird he met on holiday. To me, "bird" is an old woman's moniker... to him it meant chick. You are definitely not a ma'am as much as I'm not a bird!

Danielle said...

I hate when people tell me that I look great for my age! Seriously only people over 100 should be told that!
BTW, you look awesome in that picture!