Wednesday, November 19, 2008

No Guarantees?

Well, I made it through Blog Secret day! Now maybe I’ll finally stop singing “Secret Bloggers” to the tune of Atlantic Starr’s “Secret Lovers” in my head. I swear, it’s been in there for the last two weeks.

During the extensive reading I did on participating Blog Secret sites yesterday, I came across a quote that really resonated with me. It was written as a comment on a post about deciding between two lovers.

“People rarely change. Wait for the person you hope never changes.”

So simple and yet so profound.

I think it struck such a chord in me for a couple of reasons. One, being that I’m finally with someone who I don’t want to change. He is fantastic and amazing and treats me like no one has ever treated me before. If he stays the way he’s been for the last year indefinitely, I could be happy for eternity.

Well, maybe there is just one thing…and I don’t want a lecture about this—but it would be nice if he was 101% certain he wanted kids. I know, it’s big. But I feel confident that we’ll reach a resolution on it. And honestly, the thought of having children terrifies me right now anyway.

The second reason the quote had such an impact on me is that, in the last few years, I’ve watched a lot of people endure a lot of pain because they chose someone who they hoped would change. That, or the person they chose—or they themselves—changed.

So I guess that makes me wonder if the quote even has validity. Even if you wait for the person you hope never changes, do you run the risk of having the relationship fall apart because you evolve in some way and want to leave them behind? Or is it a matter of core values and priorities—which seem to be constants in all our lives?


Michael C said...

This is a great deep post, which means I cannot lament the fact that I was clueless about Blog Secret Day. I've only used Blog Secret For Her once, it made me smell like a girl, but it really worked while I was at the gym.

Glad the big weekend went so well!!

poopypants said...

All you need to do to gain that 101% assurance is bring him around Amanda more without all the chaos of a family function...she will win home over for sure!

Nilsa said...

I think the quote on a high level is correct. However, people are constantly changing. We all grow, mature, revert ... life is fluid that way. The truth in that statement is you should never choose a person you are hoping to change.

The Coconut Diaries said...

I kinda of disagree with the quote or a least I would add "without you". It is impossible to be the same person (not counting your core values) your whole life. You learn something new with everything you do: the food you taste, wine you sip, ways you love, ways you don't love. All of that changes you.

Anita said...

This is one of those life questions that really have no definitive answer. My take is that everyone changes in some way or another. That's just how humans grow and evolve.

The key thing in a relationship is to be harmonious. If you or your partner changes, as long as those changes do not disrupt the harmony, then things should be fine. If the change does disrupt it, then both need to find some way to restore the harmony and oftentimes that means changing (or compromising at the very least) for the other.

justrun said...

I sort of think what I'd shoot for is changing together. I change so much on little things, and so much more in the long term that I'd just hope for someone that would be along for the ride. And, of course, I would be along for theirs, too.
But I certainly agree that there shouldn't be goals and deep hopes of changing. For one thing, that's just too much work and I'm damn lazy.

Wow, that was awkward said...

What those four right above me said...

And Mel, please do change. You are getting a lil ripe.

Semicharmed said...

Wow....I love that quote. I think when your talking about love there's always a risk - but that's what makes it so exciting & so worthwile. And in the end, yeah - I think it has alot to do with your values & where your priorities lie - whether you stick it out, whether you make it work against all odds or whether you enjoy the time you had with one person and move on.
Geez it's late - I'm feeling all sappy.

Mel Heth said...

Michael C - You should try Blog Secret Clinical Strength. Works like a charm.

Poopypants - Yeah! Maybe after Thanksgiving and Christmas he'll be toast!

Nilsa - Yeah I guess that's the sentiment that I was looking for. I just tend to overthink things and panic. :)

Coconut Diaries - Yes, we are constantly changing - but the things you listed sounded like changes for the good! Which isn't always the case.

Anita - You are smart. Please write a manual on dating for me. :D

Just Run - Yes, if you're changing on parallel paths, that seems like it would work.

Wow TWA - The only reason I'm ripe is because I spent so much time on your blog, the stench seeped into me.

Semichrmd - Yeah I guess I need to just focus on the important things - the core things. And the rest can be more fluid.

Wow, that was awkward said...

You don't like the sweet odor of brett a la vegas? That stench cost me a bunch of money, brain cells and dignity. Hollywood sounds more and more fun by the minute doesn't it?

brookem said...

i really like that quote too. i think it's important to be with someone who you don't want to change. ive been there done that, and people just dont change. not about fundamental things.

brookem said...

hmm. what i really mean is, people DO change, they grow and all, but i think about the big things? that somewhat is ingrained. or, if they do change, it needs to be for themselves. not because someone wants them to change.

im having trouble writing this out to make any sort of sense!

Hannah said...

I think you find a person who can evolve and mature with you. But it is the core of someone that is the constant and dosn't change.

But on a side note I think that it is a great thing when you meet someone that you want to be a better person for. It isn't that they want to change you, you just want to be an even better version of who you already are and who they already love.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I don't know what blog secret is either. I'm so out of the blogspot loop!

I like the quote. I think it's right on. I don't think people ever really change in their essentials. Sure they may wise up and mature, but their essential nature does not change.

Dingo said...

I think the quote is accurate - sort of. When you meet and fall in love with the person you hope never changes, you don't want them to stay the same. You want them to grow with you. You want to help each other grow. When you meet "the one" it's because you know his/her core being and you know that no matter what changes that come, the core of that person, what you fell in love with will never change.

geekhiker said...

I don't think I'm in the proper mental state to comment upon the quote.

As to the 101% sure thing, I'll add what I've heard over the years: guys are never sure they want kids. The only one's are those who are 101% sure they DON'T want kids. The rest aren't sure they want kids until the moment they hold their own for the first time. Then they can't imagine their life without one.