Romantimortification

I debated back and forth whether to write this post, and after carefully considering what it would feel like to put an extremely embarrassing moment out there in front of strangers, coworkers and high school friends, I realized a very important point: this has to happen to everyone.

I do not know how a moment like this can be avoided. Maybe I’m just telling myself that so I don’t feel alone. But it seems to me that every person, at some point in a romantic relationship, will have to jump this hurdle. And maybe for some of you, it might happen like this…

You are away for your second weekend with the guy of your dreams. You’ve spent the entire day drinking wine and acting schmoopy with each other. And you’re laying on the hotel bed, watching the Discovery Channel, resting before you leave for dinner. It’s all fantastic. But you’re feeling a little bloated. So you go to the bathroom. And you think, hmm he’s occupied with the TV, maybe I can very quietly and nonchalantly take care of business without him even noticing I’m gone. Sneaky poo, you might call it. Like the Stealth Bomber, you get in, you get out, you reach for a book of matches in your toiletry bag on the sink, light one, blow it out and turn to throw it in the trash. And when you turn back, he’s standing behind you, rifling through his toiletry bag. You feel your eyes turn saucer-sized at the sight of him. You’ve been caught.

“Did you just stink up the bathroom?” he grins. You whimper out an answer that sounds like “yesh” mixed with “waaaaaa.” All you can do is scamper past him and throw yourself, mortified—more like rigor mortisified because you fall so stiffly forward—onto the bed and bury your face in the pillows. Like a cat, hiding halfway under the couch, you think if you can’t see him, he can’t see you and it’ll all just go away.

But you hear him laughing, “Woo, yeah you did!” And although you try hard to camouflage your face-down, stiff as a board self into the color of the bedspread, he finds you and starts telling you it’s okay. And you can’t help yourself anymore, you start to laugh. And he laughs and he kisses you on the cheek. And then you realize that this probably isn’t any worse than the time you accidentally farted on his leg in your sleep...