Thursday, June 19, 2008

If I Were Almighty and Powerful…

Today I started thinking about all the things in life I’d like to change.

I’d like to make cheese and chocolate calorie-free. I’d like to build French doors and a balcony off the 5th-floor corner of my building, so I could let the afternoon breeze into my cubicle and sit outside, reading SELF magazine during lunch. I would make all junk mail out of seed paper, so I could plant it random places and grow flowers and trees instead of recycling. I would give everyone straight teeth (including myself). I would make George W. a public servant of the Coalition of Writers Against Poor Grammar. I would suck the Midwestern flood waters into a giant vacuum. I would round up all the Taliban members and make them do this in jail. I would put 2 hours of fun exercise activity into every day of school (maybe like this) and turn cafeteria lunches into healthy gourmet meals. I would have a chip implanted into my brain that enabled me to fly a helicopter, then I’d buy one and build landing pads on my roof and Mr. Wonderful’s. I would build synthetic icebergs for the polar bears to walk on so they didn’t have to swim so far.

I would fix ailing marriages. I would set up a nationwide program that offered (good) free counseling for anyone who wanted it. I would mend fractured friendships and make it possible for everyone to talk about their feelings without getting hurt. I would move all of my close friends onto my street—or to a destination like Rome, Paris or Dublin, with unlimited frequent flyer miles so we could travel back and forth for visits any time we wanted. I would give everyone a box to put their pain and heartache into if they needed a break from it. I would give everyone a mirror that enabled them to see how they really look and act towards the people around them.

I would make pimples something you only read about in history books. I would make every fast food chain, cigarette manufacturer, pharmaceutical company and SUV producer donate 50% of its profits to charity. I would have a tickle machine come standard with the purchase of every bed, so even if you were sleeping solo, you could get your back caressed until you fell asleep. I would make prisoners be soldiers and cut college costs in half. I’d pay teachers 10x more than lawyers. I’d turn animal shelters into farms. I’d give Bono the Nobel Peace Prize (finally). I’d make cat hair not stick to clothing. I’d hang a batsuit in Mr. W’s closet. I’d pay every blogger $1 per word they wrote. (This post alone would be worth $463.)

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Right On!

Hannah said...

Dig it!

This is such a great list. Very very inspiring.

geekhiker said...

I love the idealism of this post, and the ideas contained within.

Mind if I add one of my own? I would have every kid spend time in the natural world. The Ex was a teacher, and one of the field trips they took was to the ocean. The kids were terrified: they'd never seen the ocean before. The held hands and slowly walked in up to their ankles. The school she taught at was only four miles from the beach...

Alysha said...

Your world sounds simply fabulous! I'll take it! I really like your exercise moves and your Taliban training program... maybe you should institute it into the lunch program at work???

Wow, that was awkward said...

I would love to live on your planet! Can you have the Cubs win the World Series for me?

Diz said...

Will you marry me? xoxoxoxo

Lara said...

If you could be my God, I would switch from Mormonism to Melissaism.

Also, Oprah's got nothin' on you!

Dingo said...

So many things to comment on but I'll pick one: lawyers and teachers. I was paid so much more as a lawyer but am so much happier as a teacher. Plus, I can sleep at night. But...if your plan happens to be instituted, please put me at the top of the list for a pay increase.

Michael C said...

You need to be put in charge. I'll even volunteer for a seat on your cabinet!

Anonymous said...

Have you thought of running for President!

Amy Turpin said...

GREAT thoughts!!! My brother was a lawyer, and just ended his practice to become a college professor. When I asked him if he could afford the pay cut, he said, "it's ok, my wife is still an attorney." There definitely something to be said for job satisfaction and the ability to truly believe you are doing something good for the future!!

Mel Heth said...

Anonymous - Thanks.

Hannah - I'm sure the list could go on and on and on.

Geekhiker - Great addition. It's SO important to get kids outside.

Alysha - I'm glad somebody watched the videos! They cracked me up!

Wow TWA - Of course the Cubs can win. ;)

Diz - Buy me a ring. :D

Lara - Actually, Oprah's got like a million bagillion dollars...oh well.

Dingo - You deserve a raise.

Michael C - You can be my secretary of deep fried foods and entertainment.

Anonymous - No plans yet.

Amy - Thanks. I think it's awesome your brother made the switch!