Today I started thinking about all the things in life I’d like to change.
I’d like to make cheese and chocolate calorie-free. I’d like to build French doors and a balcony off the 5th-floor corner of my building, so I could let the afternoon breeze into my cubicle and sit outside, reading SELF magazine during lunch. I would make all junk mail out of seed paper, so I could plant it random places and grow flowers and trees instead of recycling. I would give everyone straight teeth (including myself). I would make George W. a public servant of the Coalition of Writers Against Poor Grammar. I would suck the Midwestern flood waters into a giant vacuum. I would round up all the Taliban members and make them do this in jail. I would put 2 hours of fun exercise activity into every day of school (maybe like this) and turn cafeteria lunches into healthy gourmet meals. I would have a chip implanted into my brain that enabled me to fly a helicopter, then I’d buy one and build landing pads on my roof and Mr. Wonderful’s. I would build synthetic icebergs for the polar bears to walk on so they didn’t have to swim so far.
I would fix ailing marriages. I would set up a nationwide program that offered (good) free counseling for anyone who wanted it. I would mend fractured friendships and make it possible for everyone to talk about their feelings without getting hurt. I would move all of my close friends onto my street—or to a destination like Rome, Paris or Dublin, with unlimited frequent flyer miles so we could travel back and forth for visits any time we wanted. I would give everyone a box to put their pain and heartache into if they needed a break from it. I would give everyone a mirror that enabled them to see how they really look and act towards the people around them.
I would make pimples something you only read about in history books. I would make every fast food chain, cigarette manufacturer, pharmaceutical company and SUV producer donate 50% of its profits to charity. I would have a tickle machine come standard with the purchase of every bed, so even if you were sleeping solo, you could get your back caressed until you fell asleep. I would make prisoners be soldiers and cut college costs in half. I’d pay teachers 10x more than lawyers. I’d turn animal shelters into farms. I’d give Bono the Nobel Peace Prize (finally). I’d make cat hair not stick to clothing. I’d hang a batsuit in Mr. W’s closet. I’d pay every blogger $1 per word they wrote. (This post alone would be worth $463.)